Marshall the Great Funny Status Messages

   I listen to the first 30 seconds of an accidental butt dial like I'm in an FBI van.

   Snookie should have named her son Oscar because he spent 9 months living in a garbage can.

   My day is not complete until I get someone to shake their head.

   Someone prank call me, I'm bored.

   Tortilla chips - aka The Mexican Fork

   Wife: If I become fat and ugly will you leave me? Husband starts laughing. Wife: WHAT?! Husband: I'm still here ain't I?

   wonders... do subliminal (send) messages (me) really (money) work?

   I shouldn't have to watch out for kids at play. They should have to watch out for my car. What other responsibilities do they have?

   FYI: If you are ahead of me in the checkout line and you tell me that you are sorry but you will be right back because you forgot something I bet you won't be back faster than I can't rub your apples under my arm pits and fart on your french bread.

   The 3 C's of life; Choice, Chance, Change. You must make the Choice to take the Chance if you want anything to Change.

   The proper word that describes you would be vinegar sac. Yep, I just said douche bag but in a fancy way!

   I have no idea how I got 80% of my stuff.

   I've met some real pricks in my time but you my friend are the cactus.

   The worst things in life are also free.

   I would spend more time outside, but it's not as hi-def as my TV.

   Far too many people spend their lives reading the menu instead of enjoying the banquet.

   Here's your motivational speech... YOU SUCK. Change this.

   If there is one thing I learn from every mistake is I'll never get caught that way again.

   I'm placing myself in "time-out" until I'm able to play nice with others! This may take a few hours as there are stupid people everywhere!

   They say that carrots help you see in the dark - that is crap! After 5 minutes of walking into stuff, I switched back to using a light.