Funny Status Messages

   English teachers on Facebook must feel the same hopelessness as dentists do when they're at a candy shop

   75% of men kiss their wives good bye when leaving the house. 100% kiss their house good bye when leaving their wives.

   The amount of time my smartphone spends plugged in charging, you might as well want to call it a Land-line

   Pro tip: Never explain to your wife that it's the washer and dryer that actually does the laundry.

   With the rubber gloves, face masks, face shields, condoms, and smell of Lysol…sex isn’t as fun as it used to be.

   Pro tip: Fill the piñata with ketchup and you never have to host a children’s birthday party again. You’re welcome

   My therapist thanked me for making her decision to retire early much easier. So I’ve got that going for me.

   I love Bruce Lee because he studied art and poetry and decided the most beautiful form of self expression is punching someone in the face

   Adulting is putting back a pack of chicken for $8.58 because you see one for $8.17...

   Me: sorry mom, called you by accident.. Mom: no worries, had you by accident.

   Ever notice how that toothpaste falls so easily off your brush, but you can't wash it down the drain if you wanted to...

   Looks like Bloomberg got stopped and frisked during the debate...

   Bon Jovi must be at least 3/4 of the way there by now.

   New pickup line: hey why don't you come back to my place, I have toilet paper😉

   So showing up at the bank with a mask and gloves is okay now

   If Hugh Hefner ran a company wearing pajamas so can you.

   If you are driving alone in your car with a face mask on... Stay home... Even after this is over...

   All the major casinos are complaining about how much money they’ve lost. Now they know how we feel!!

   Everything I need to know in life I learned in First Grade... if you poop your pants they let you go home.

   "If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything. " Mark Twain.