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Don't believe everything you read in public toilets. Sharon is not up for a good time. What an awkward phone call that was... 
When I was a kid, the only password you had to remember was the one that got you into the treehouse.
I’ve done some terrible things for money...... Like getting up early to go to work.
Pro tip: Never explain to your wife that it's the washer and dryer that actually does the laundry.
When this is all over, we'll need to wear our masks backwards for 3 to 4 weeks to get our ears back to normal...
The reason grilled cheese sandwiches and tomato soup are such a great combination is because they are the same basic ingredients as pizza.
Never buy crystal meth from a guy with a full set of teeth. He's obviously an undercover cop.
Just remember son -- when you text a girl, you are also texting at least 5 of her friends.
Any coincidence that OJ gets parole about the same time that Ford Motor Company brings back the Bronco?
"Americans can always be counted on to do the right thing...after they have exhausted all other possibilities." ~ Winston Churchill
When I was younger I used to sneak out Of my home to go to parties, now I sneak away from parties to go home.
"If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything. " Mark Twain.
7,000 people were treated in emergency rooms for injuries sustained from fireworks. Don’t be a statistic, let your friend light the fuse
Does rocking a vending machine count as exercise?
Why do the Flintstones celebrate Christmas?....any scholars out there?
If they criticize your driving, look them straight in the eye while you turn their airbag off.
The first thing a man looks at in a woman is her heart. The fact that her boobs are in front of it is not men's fault.
I just bought a JVC LCD 4K 3D UHD TV. The rest of the alphabet was out of stock.
Adulting is putting back a pack of chicken for $8.58 because you see one for $8.17...
Me: sorry mom, called you by accident.. Mom: no worries, had you by accident. 