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I wish my neighbor's dog would take the hint that my leg just wants to be friends. 
Never trust an Avon lady who doesn't wear any makeup. The whole thing is probably a front for her organ-harvesting business.
When a chick says we need to talk, you might as well start punching yourself in the balls.
Trying to understand quantum physics. Cause trying to understand women is just too damn hard.
for all those who answer "how's it goin?" with .."can't complain"...please review your FB status's
My greatest contribution to most situations is just not making it worse.
If we learn by our mistakes then I am getting a fantastic education.
If your laugh in real life sounds like "Bwahahaha", guaranteed I won't be funny around you.
If I was a cop and I pulled over a drunk driver, I would make them do the Macarena as their sobriety test.
If you still talk about it, you still care about it.
Some have illusions of grandeur. I have hallucinations of happiness.
I think we should celebrate Canada Day be giving Bieber back.
wondering......how the HELL do they signal Batman during daytime....
TSA = Touchy Squeezy Abusers
Nothing ushers in the Spring planting season like the fresh smell cow crap emanating from the neighborhood....
Sometimes you just have to be straight up with people or they will expect you to bend over backwards.
Been keeping this inside my head for too long. Ladies, sometimes those really thin eye brows, freak us guys out. Please attend to your eye brows responsibly
A recent survey of one person revealed that 100% of me thinks that I should leave work early.
Only 12 more days till I get some tube socks, a slew of checkered polo shirts I'll never wear, and a box set of Aqua Velva I'll eventually use as paint thinner....Yay! :/
That moment when the person you've loaned money to calls you to brag about the big bonus they received at work and is going on and on about how they plan on spending it and paying you back is not on the list 