Marshall The Great Funny Status Messages

   I believe what politicians say as much as I believe the person who says, "I never got that text."

   I just saved a lot of time in the doctor's office waiting room by walking around with a clipboard and showing people to any empty room. When the doctor showed up, I was the only one there.

   I am very much an acquired taste. If you don't like me, I suggest you acquire some good taste!

   If you're lucky enough to still have a dad the best Father's Day gift would be to call the guy and ask his advice about something. Anything.

   I got kicked out of a Yoga class today. Apparently, your not supposed to do the 'Downward Dog' on top of another person.

   I just tried drinking orange juice with pulp in it and I finally understand why women don't like to swallow...

   Why is it called "raw sewage?" Does that mean that someone, somewhere, is cooking the sh!t?

   Whenever my girlfriend is mad at one of our friends, she deletes them from FB but makes sure I stay friends so she can see what they're saying.

   I would rather have a cure for the common hangover than the common cold.

   Nothing says "screw work, and screw personal hygiene" quite like last night's bar stamp on my hand.

   The thing about social media is that you can pretend you've gone to bed by not replying but really you're just sitting there the whole time.

   Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.

   I hope someone gets a pic of Lil Wayne on his way out high-fiving T.I. on his way in.

   Today is Monday, and that's reason enough for me to hate it.

   Maybe early risers just aren't as awesome at sleeping as I am.

   I took your survey, sent you a round, tended your garden, poked you, hugged you, and sent you 10 useless gifts. It's hard being a Facebook friend.

   It's really funny to see a cat fall off a bed, til it grabs your leg.

   Don’t you hate it when you type in your username and password without looking at the screen, then after you press enter, you realize the cursor is not even on the login screen?

   Pot is not a gateway drug that leads to harder drugs. It's more of a drive thru drug that leads to burgers and fried chicken.

   One of my biggest fears is that some yahoo will actually take my posts seriously and call the cops who will inevitably find my torture chamber, stash of plutonium and action figure collection.