Marshall the Great Funny Status Messages

   I hope the penalty for providing false information to law enforcement officers includes sterilization.

   ALCOHOL! Giving you the ambition to do anything, while simultaneously taking away your capability to do so.

   If I seem to give a damn, please tell me. I would hate to be giving the wrong impression!!!

   I wish relationship history was as easy to delete as browser history.

   How long does it take for this Smart Water to kick in? I have been slipping it in her drink for 2 weeks now and as best as I can tell nothing has changed.

   BREAKING: Referee lockout to end; Replacement refs to report back to Foot Locker ASAP

   I would never tell someone how to do their job but I don't think each of the 78 items I purchased at the grocery store needed their own bag.

   It's not the destination, it's the journey. Except when you're heading to the bathroom with explosive diarrhea.

   Fortune Cookie: "Your life will be happy and peaceful." Dear Cookie: What drugs are you on? We should share.

   I wonder how many old people have died trying to cut open tennis balls to put on their walker.

   Some people live upside down. They like to talk out their ass and the only thing that comes out their mouth is sh!t.

   Every time I get really drunk I start acting like I'm British, and by that I mean I drive on the left side of the road.

   I just don't understand my next door neighbor. She keeps going on about how she'd love to be a contestant on a reality show, but she went mental when she found out I'd put cameras all over her house.

   Lying in bed last night unable to sleep and my girlfriend asked me how many sexual partners I've had. Counting them certainly put me to sleep.

   If anyone asks, I've been here all day. You all are now apart of my alibi... don't f*ck this up!

   Dear Santa, Please send your credit card numbers. it's only fair since you're getting the credit for the gifts, that you should start paying for them also.

   I'm not saying it's cold out or anything, But I had to put vodka in my juice this morning on the way to work to keep it from freezing.

   When I'd go to clubs, I'd spend half the time texting people who weren't there. Eventually I realized I could just send those texts from home.

   The best moves in life are made in silence. Don't talk about it. Just do it and let them talk about it. Failure talks. Success walks.

   Why does everybody try to hide from each other in the Dollar Store? I saw your ass over at the bargain bin fool.