Marshall the Great Funny Status Messages

   The worst thing about calling in sick today is not being able to post last night's rage fest pictures until this weekend.

   Through humor, you can soften some of the worst blows that life delivers. And once you find laughter, no matter how painful your situation might be, you can survive it.

   I start a lot of conversations with "goodbye" in hopes that it will trick people into thinking we already talked.

   I always hit "ignore call" with my middle finger.

   I've been disappointed so many times, not giving a crap is almost a reflex

   The people who complain about the way the ball bounces usually dropped it.

   Being real is like being a lady... if you have to tell people you are... you aren't.

   Boss: Someone who is early when you are late and late when you are early.

   The Day-After-Easter Candy Sale at Walmart looked more like a fight-to-the-death battle royal between pajama-wearing homeless people.

   You know you are in a bad part of town when you fear being robbed by the convenience store clerk...

   Running away doesn't help you with your problems, unless your problem is obesity...

   Thinking about suing my job for refusing to recognize my religion of being a bear and denying me my beliefs of winter hibernation.

   I helped my girlfriend with the dinner last night. I took the batteries out of the smoke alarm.

   I have come to the conclusion that Facebook needs to add an option called "People You Don't Want To Know"

   Of course absence makes the heart grow fonder. Because thats when you forget what an annoying little bltch they can be.

   You know I can think of two... no, three things that really irritate the f*ck out of me... make that four... ok five.... f*ck it... there's like 10 now!

   I farted today and totaled the Smart Car I was standing next to.

   I love seeing the Australian news cause it's like they're from the future.

   Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.

   No I did not watch the Royal wedding! What's the big deal? Two things kept me from watching it. They're called tesicles.