jitney Funny Status Messages

   Why can't women put on mascara with their mouth closed? I pulled up next to this chick in the car putting on mascara and it just didnt look right with those yellow teeth!

   Kids nextdoor challenged me to a water balloon fight... I'm just updating my status while I wait for mine to come out of the freezer..

   No more wet foot, dry foot for the Cubans #obamasfarewell

   "Can I safely look at a picture of the sun on my phone? I know you not suppose to look at the sun, but how about a picture?" - My wife

   Polarized glasses for sale. Not used at all. Need money for Powerball!!

   Gas is $4.39 a gallon.... And girls think we're coming over to Just chill???

   Everyone is the same color when the lights are off......

   I failed my driver's test. For the question "What do you do at a Red Light?" I said "Texts and check Facebookk."

   People, I'm late for everything!!! I would make the worst period.

   tried to kill a spider by drowning it, but it looked at me and asked, "Where's the soap?"

   realize that when someone says, "The last thing I want to do is hurt you," basically implies that there is a list and hurting you is on it.

   I dont see what's the big deal about Bath Salt Water... I tried it and nothing happened, but I gotta tell ya..... Everything sure looks like CHICKEN!!!

   My girlfriend just caught me blow-drying my pennis and asked me what was I doing.....Apparently, "heating your dinner!" was not a good answer!

   My wife was complaining that she isnt in shape!!!! Now I sleep on the sofa, becuase I told her Round is a shape!

   You ever typed slower than your mind thinks? Yeah that just happened to me...... It was funny in my head, but when I read it I was like...clearly to much beer!

   Wife sent me a pic of her new outfit and asked me "if it made her look big?" I texted her back "Nooo" Obviously...but it got auto-corrected to "Moo"

   I pour some Bacon Flavored Bath Salt water on a Roach to see what happens. Cuz Raid and Pest Control are getting expensive! I

   Two drums and a cymbal fall off a cliff....Duh dum chhsh!

   Valentine Eve: worst time of the year.....constantly remind how single you are or stuck with this looser cupid picked out for you.

   My sons argue n fight all day n never share. Y'all shared a womb and before that a sack now you can't share a friggin bag of chips ugggghh