g0re Funny Status Messages

   It must've been tough being a magician in the 15th century. "Is this your card?" "Burn him! Burn the witch!!".

   You know you watch too much porn when you go to a hospital expecting a threesome.

   FLOWERS: $50....DINNER: $75....HOTEL: $199....the look on his face when she tells him, "I'm on my period": PRICELESS.

   It's nice when someone can reply to your sarcasm with sarcasm instead of just getting offended.

   Blood is thicker then water, but maple syrup is thicker then blood. Therefore pancakes are more important than family

   I bet you're naked under those clothes... You slut

   It'd be interesting to see statistics of your life after you die. Like, what joke you found the funniest, how many times you smiled, how many times you laughed, how many times you lied, or how many people you loved.

   Santa is an unfair a$shole, He gives the more expensive gifts to the wealthier kids!

   That akward moment when you don't really like your crush. You like the imaginary version of them which you created in your head.

   Don't you hate the uncomfortable feeling when you have a really bad cold and one nostril is stuffed up to no avail and the other nostril is so perfectly clear that when you breath in it feels like all the cool air goes straight to your brain.

   When it's the only thing standing between you and your comfortable bed, brushing your teeth seems like a huge hassle.

   Awesome idea: On Halloween, order a pizza to get delivered to your house When the delivery guy gets there, pretend you think he's a trick or treater and comment on how he looks like a real delivery person. Give him candy.

   A touching letter by a little girl to Santa on Christmas: Dear Santa, Please give clothes to all those poor ladies in daddy's laptop.

   I hate it when your girlfriend asks you to hold her handbag, and it doesn't match what you're wearing.

   Whoever came up with the term "one tough cookie" had no idea about the structural integrity of baked goods.

   Last night I jerked off so good that when I woke up my D!ck was in the kitchen making breakfast

   When you were little it was "Stop, look, and listen before you cross the street." As you get older it's more like "I'm crossing the street now. If you hit me I will sue you."

   Math tells us of the 3 saddest love stories: Of parallel lines, who were never meant to meet. Of tangent lines, who were together once then parted forever. And of asymptotes, who could only get closer and closer, but never could be together.

   You know it's a bad break-up when your ex-girlfriend is posting Taylor Swift lyrics as her facebook status.

   Buying someone flowers is kind of a weird idea. Like: Hey, these are for you, now watch them slowly die, because I love you.