Marshall The Great Funny Status Messages

   You guys make Facebook worth it! Just kidding, we are all wasting our lives.

   Ladies: Yes, peeing standing up is more difficult than peeing sitting down. Maybe YOU can learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up. You need it down. You don't hear us complaining when you leave it dow

   Fastest way to piss me off? Tell me to "settle down."

   I need to start setting an alarm to go to bed.

   My co-worker seems to think I need anger management classes... I don't know I think he just needs shut the f*ck up classes.

   Foot fetishes are for men who don't know what boobs are, right?

   At the bank, I told the cashier, "I'd like to open a joint account please." "OK with whom?" Whoever has lots of money.

   I think I just felt a weird twitching somewhere inside me. My liver might have just started waving the white flag.

   I keep having this recurring nightmare that lasts 8 hours a day, Monday through Friday.

   Nothing's funnier than a baffled senior citizen reading a slang word out loud.

   Freedom of speech is wonderful - right up there with the freedom not to listen.

   When I die I want Charlie Sheen's life to flash before my eyes.

   Drunk walking home is much more fun than drunk driving home, and much less dangerous. For instance, if you knock over something driving home, you are screwed. If you knock over something while drunk walking home, everyone cheers.

   I'll be starting group meetings at my house for people with OCD. Not because I have it, but because I know someone will get the urge to clean up my damm house! OCD'ers...Cheaper than maid service!

   Just invented a drink called the LESBIAN. All you do is mix two liquors

   Wow, some people will do anything for a "like" on Facebook. Anyways if you agree like my status.

   2011: same sh!t, different digits.

   Every person has a story to tell, which is why I avoid talking to most people.

   I'm starting to think that when people tell me "I can't believe you have a child!" they aren't referring to my youthful appearance.

   Many great discoveries are made by not following instructions.