Funny Status Messages

   I tossed and turned so much last night that I woke up with an ab.

   I never know if I have free time or if I just keep forgetting stuff...

   Purell is the most expensive bottle of alcohol in the country.

   Now would be a good time for Walmart to do an alignment on all those crooked shopping cart wheels

   Sorry I typed “Lucky escape!” instead of “I’m so sorry your wedding has been cancelled.”

   When this COVID-19 thing is over, I don't want to see you post any memes saying you could live in a cabin without TV, Internet or your phone for a year for a $1,000,000. You couldn't stay in your own house for 5 days even to save your grandmother.

   The only way McGregor could win this fight was if Steve Harvey announced the decision.

   Worse thing about flirting with disaster is when disaster turns away and says, "Ew."

   Someone just told me I wasn’t as dumb as I looked and now I’m confused, was it an insult or a compliment?

   Just so we're clear, the Grinch never really hated Christmas. He hated people which is perfectly understandable.

   Marriage tip #39 your wife won't start an argument with you if you're cleaning

   CNN BREAKING NEWS: Due to Government Shutdown, all the aliens in Area 51 have been released..

   Wal-mart Assistant Manager: You can use the Self-Checkout if you want. Me: No thanks, I don't work here.

   If I could time travel I'd go to my funeral and take names of people who seemed to be handling it a little too well.

   When you were a kid, you said “But I’m not tired!” at some point, and you had no idea that it was the last time you’d ever utter that phrase.

   The loudest sound on Earth is my child asking an inappropriate question about another customer at the grocery store.

   The Feds have been stockpiling baby formula at the southern border for months. More proof who gets priority and who does not.

   Remember kids, the Toys R Us bankruptcy and liquidation teaches us that poor spelling and grammar will always catch up with you eventually.

   Instead of Build Back Better, how about you just Put it Back the Way You Found it.

   With the rise in self-driving vehicles, eventually there will a Country and Western song about your truck leaving you too.