Funny Status Messages

   The loudest sound on Earth is my child asking an inappropriate question about another customer at the grocery store.

   The only way McGregor could win this fight was if Steve Harvey announced the decision.

   Worse thing about flirting with disaster is when disaster turns away and says, "Ew."

   it safe to take off my Winter Solstice Glasses yet?

   Wildlife Fact: In the wild, otters can go for days without checking their phones

   Happier than a Goth Girl being carried off by a flock of ravens.

   sometimes people come into your life and they need to stop doing that

   I’m just saying, if the ice cream truck can play music, the garbage truck could too.

   What is a ‘sexual prime’ and can I get it on Amazon?

   I can't believe some people's survival instincts told them to grab toilet paper.

   Married with Children was much funnier on TV.

   Remember kids, the Toys R Us bankruptcy and liquidation teaches us that poor spelling and grammar will always catch up with you eventually.

   With the rise in self-driving vehicles, eventually there will a Country and Western song about your truck leaving you too.

   I hope when I die, it's early in the morning so I don't go to work that day for no reason.

   No one has more to say than the woman who says she doesn't want to talk about it.

   Airport security asked me if I'd seen anything unusual. Well, I just paid eighteen dollars for a turkey sandwich and a bottle of beer, let's start with that.

   Aliens probably lock their doors when they ride past earth.

   A recent study found that the possibly of work place violence increases significantly when someone puts Christmas music on the office radio in mid-November.

   Welcome to your 40s. Drugs are no longer just for fun, they’re medicine now

   May all your troubles last as long as your New Year's resolutions!