Marshall the Great Funny Status Messages

   I used to have a life. Then some idiot came along and said "Why don’t you make a Facebook account? It's fun."

   I make no apologies for the fact that your balls aren't big enough to handle my personality!

   Does the Make A Wish Foundation provide services for children who are about to be murdered because they poured juice in your lap top? Asking for a friend.

   Today, I saw a license plate frame "My car, daddy's money" on a battered Chevy Aveo. Daddy had 600 bucks, eh? Calm down, princess.

   Just washed my car with the squeegee at the gas station.

   When I die, I give you permission to change my status to, "is dead."

   My EX sent me a text today saying "Happy Anniversary" I replied, best one yet.

   Inspirational status of the day: Don't be a douche.

   People come in many colors. Orange should not be one of them.

   I get made fun of sometimes for being an ole dumb country boy but let me ask you something, when the economy finally falls what's gonna be more important to know? How to plant a garden, fish and hunt or knowing what then fancy opera singers is ah sayin?

   Monday?! But, I wasn't even finished with Saturday yet.

   I need a job where I can punch stupid people all day.

   If people could read my mind, I'd get punched in the face a lot.

   Almost choked to death on some broccoli but no way, I ain't going out like that.

   My wife has been missing a week now. Police said to prepare for the worst... so I have been to the thrift shop to get all her clothes back.

   Thanksgiving is an emotional holiday. People travel thousands of miles to be with people they only see once a year. And then they discover once a year is way too often.

   Why is it that the people who tell you to relax are almost always the source of your anxiety?

   Sitting here watching CNN & I like whats going in Egypt, let it be a lesson to other governments to never bite the hand that feeds you...

   I hate it when people who are holding a device capable of using Google ask me stupid questions.

   No matter what's happening there's always part of me that would rather be taking a nap. And drinking.