Funny Status Messages

   When I'm dead, these Facebook status updates will be worth twice as much.

   Prank: Get car chalk and write "Just Married" on every car in a Walmart parking lot.

   I like being single. I'm always there when I need me.

   Mirrors don't talk, but lucky for you they don't laugh either

   thinks it's time for us to let the Statue of Liberty hold up that torch with her other arm for awhile.

   I love sleep so much that its the first thing I think about when I wake up....

   I predict that if, by 21 December 2012, the world doesn't end, there will be a huge baby boom in September 2013.

   Why don't refrigerators have a milk dispenser next to the water in the door? You could just hold your cereal bowl under it and push the button.

   Why get married and make one woman miserable when I can stay single and make thousands miserable?

   if Osama Bin Laden played Call of Duty, he would be the best camper.

   Ok Facebook since you're so damn nosey, What's on YOUR mind?

   Two years ago I married a virgin. And if that doesnt change soon,im divorcing her.

   Dear IRS…I would like an itemized receipt showing me exactly how every one of my tax dollars is being spent. Thanks.

   I think 90% of the software on my computer doesn’t do anything except send me notices that there’s a new version of itself.

   As soon as you get in a relationship, everyone wanna send you that 'I miss you' text.

   Be careful when you're watching a movie with your wife. You're gonna get blamed for whatever the guy in the movie does.

   Ladies: If he’s right handed, and you find the mouse to the left of the computer monitor, there is only one explanation. Sorry Guys.

   What do people do with all the extra time they save by writing ''K'' instead of ''OK''?

   Dogs are perfect napkins because they just think you're petting them.

   People say circumcision doesn’t hurt. I was circumcised when I was born and I couldn’t walk for nearly a year.