Funny Status Messages

   "Thank-you Robert Kraft and R. Kelly!" - Jussie Smollett

   Thank you, True Crime, for saying that was a reenactment. I was pretty upset your camera person didn’t stop that murder.

   I'm no socialist but I do believe everyone is born with an inherent right to as many dipping sauces for their mcnuggets as they want.

   Apparently, when you supply HR with a urine sample, it has to be because they requested it.

   Single white sock seeks same.

   I was going to wash my car in my driveway but then I realized I don't own a halter top or cut-off shorts.

   As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in schools.

   It's so cold out I walked into my bank and the tellers were wearing ski masks

   Know how old I am? I still owe Blockbuster $2 for not rewinding St. Elmo's Fire.

   Common sense is so rare this days, it should almost be classified as a superpower

   Countries should not send athletes to the Olympics as a reward, but should send stupid people as a punishment. Your annoying coworker? Ski jumping. Natural selection as its best

   I just saved a$1,375.00 on my Visa card by not going to Disney World .

   Today I am contemplating how much longer I would live if someone shouted "Run for your life!"

   Horse racing is like NASCAR only slower and with poop.

   The Shining is my favorite Christmas movie about enjoying quality time with the family when you’re snowed in.

   The only wisdom that comes with age is knowing which stores have the nicer restrooms.

   I had a colonoscopy on Friday. Just let me say there are some things you should never use a Groupon for.

   So it's not a good idea to shoot finger guns at a man that's driving an armored truck. I know that now.

   Dear Science, You cloned a sheep named Dolly when you could have cloned a llama. A llama named Dolly. A Dolly Llama. That is all. Send.

   How do you know if a website really likes you or only wants you for your data