Marshall the Great Funny Status Messages

   Much of my life is a contest to see which of the voices in my head can say the funniest sh!t.

   The world would be a much better place if everyone just did what I told them to do and stopped asking so many stupid questions.

   Whenever somebody ask me what's my favorite movie or song, that's exactly the moment when I forget every f*cking movie or song I've ever come across in my whole life!

   Did you know if you ask a hairstylist for the "Bieber" They'll shave off all your pubes?

   I'm not lazy, I'm just highly motivated not to do anything...

   When your car is so crappy that your music makes it rattle like someone shaking a toaster, it's either time for a new car or to TURN THE CRAP DOWN.

   I wish people were like money,so you could hold them up to the light to see which one's are real and which one's are fake.

   Do you ever just look at someone and "Why?" is the only thing you can come up with?

   Everytime I notice some loser has deleted me for being totally awesome, I wish that the small Asian from "The Hangover" would pop up on their screen and scream, "Tooood-a-loooo muthaf$ckaaaaasss!"

   There are two varieties of hoe. One is a gardening tool. The other is a hardening tool.

   Dear Santa, every year you bring me coal. Could you bring me a BBQ pit so I can use them this year? Thank you in advance.

   Siri is like an Ex. She was great once but now I'm repeating myself and she never listens to me, and by the end of the conversation I'm yelling.

   Ladies, Don't ever tell your man that you don't mind if he looks at other women. He'll remember that sh!t better than his social security number.

   My girlfriends sister sat on my glasses and broke them earlier. I was was so pissed off. Though to be fair it was my own fault for leaving them on.

   What a day, I'm so tired already! I sent three faxes, answered the phone once, had lunch, made a paper airplane and sent 452 updates.

   By the time I get to the bottom of the bottle, I don't really need an answer.

   Honestly, I would prefer to look back at my life and say, "I can't believe I did that!" Than instead of saying, "I wish I did that..."

   I’m so tired. Almost time to crawl into bed and not be able to sleep for three hours.

   I got a new job with the local hostage negotiators and tried to phone in sick but the ba$tards talked me out of it.

   Daily Random 'F*ck You': To those people that get a puppy or kitten because they're so cute but then get rid of them when they grow into adult animals, F*CK YOU!