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The guy who invented the first wheel was an idiot. The guy who invented the other three, he was the genius. 
I feel so miserable without you, it's almost like having you here.
The sign said “This door to remain closed at all times” Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that defeat the purpose of a door?
has CDO. It's like OCD, except the letters are in alphabetical order...like they should be.
just had a very interesting conversation with the mirror.
My cable goes out more than I do.......How sad!!
My family lives next to a cemetery. Today, there was a funeral. My mom looked out of the window and said, "Look, we're getting new neighbors!" LOVELY
The bell ringers are out in full force already. I really don't mind and know it's for a good cause. I just hate the fact that it feels like I'm paying a "cover charge" to go into Walmart.
I've got Christmas spirit!! I just hung a little Christmas tree air freshener in my car.....ahhhhh smells like the holidays
You don't get old, you just become a classic.
No man goes before his time....... Unless the boss leaves early...
wish every relationship i've been in had a 30 day money back guarantee!
KFC is donating money towards breast cancer. They don't want anything killing their customers except heart disease.
: Dont you just wish you could go back to being a kid and let the adults take care of the problems that they created for themselves?
You know what''s so scary, but just so sexy at the same time? A hot woman kicking your a$$ in video games.....in your room.....on your bed.
Well established facts can be disputed if you Google them hard enough.
The only time I ever nap is after hitting the snooze button. I took 32 naps this morning.
celebrating 1 year of sobriety today…I think it was 1972...
How can big pharma make millions of dollars selling laxatives to the elderly, when Taco Bell can manage to do the trick for $2.99?
I'm not sure what's so "outstanding" about this bill... It seems pretty ordinary to me.
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