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Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot them? 
The guy who invented the first wheel was an idiot. The guy who invented the other three, he was the genius.
I feel so miserable without you, it's almost like having you here.
The sign said “This door to remain closed at all times” Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that defeat the purpose of a door?
has CDO. It's like OCD, except the letters are in alphabetical order...like they should be.
just had a very interesting conversation with the mirror.
I'm not sure what's so "outstanding" about this bill... It seems pretty ordinary to me.
I definitely thought we'd have some futuristic Jetsons sh*t by now.
I love piecing my night together one drunk text at a time.
"In elementary school, in case of fire you have to line up quietly in a single file line from smallest to tallest. What is the logic? Do tall people burn slower?"
I have a new lease on life. Month to month. No utilities.
I just saw a van that had two signs on it. One said "We Speak English" and the other one said "We Delivery".
I don't think Oprah has driven herself anywhere in the last 25 years. Her don't text and drive advice is like her giving marriage or parenting tips.
Just once on Undercover Boss, I'd like to see one of the lower level employees just go, "Yeah, pretty much all I do all day is scrw around on Facebook and play Bubbleshooter. Also, our CEO is a d!ck."
The first step to recovery is admitting that you're a problem.
My cable goes out more than I do.......How sad!!
My family lives next to a cemetery. Today, there was a funeral. My mom looked out of the window and said, "Look, we're getting new neighbors!" LOVELY
The bell ringers are out in full force already. I really don't mind and know it's for a good cause. I just hate the fact that it feels like I'm paying a "cover charge" to go into Walmart.
I've got Christmas spirit!! I just hung a little Christmas tree air freshener in my car.....ahhhhh smells like the holidays
You don't get old, you just become a classic.
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