Marshall the Great Funny Status Messages

   My plans for this weekend are so top secret even I don't know what they are.

   I made a huge TO DO list for this weekend. I just can’t figure out who’s going to do it.

   I've been having this weird feeling all day, the only way I know how to describe it is: you know when you switch on a switch and nothing happens? That.

   30 Days Of Gratitude: Day 14: You're all welcome. (Am I doing it right?)

   If you laugh like this ----> bahaha, I assume you're part sheep. ;)

   My doctor told me to watch my drinking. So I'm off to find a bar with a mirror.

   If you want to know whether a chick is a cvnt or not, just call her a c*nt. Nothing sets off a crazy cvnt like being called a cvnt.

   Next time you use the bathroom, take your pants off, hang them over the side of the stall and randomly shout out "RELEASE THE KRACKEN!" Let people know you mean business!

   Last time I went "trick or treating" for Halloween, I got so high beforehand that I just stood on my own porch ringing the doorbell all night.

   The best thing about relationships is realizing the full level of batsh!t crazy you are capable of achieving.

   Always hold out your hand when someone is counting money in front of you, just in case.

   Borrow your girlfriend's pink slippers just to go check the mail and everybody in the whole damn community will stop by to chat. True story. FML

   I think “be yourself” is about the worst advice you can give to some people.

   Prank idea: Pay a homeless man to run up to someone at an outdoor drinking fountain and yell "Get away from my bidet!"

   The older I get, the more I desperately cling to my immaturity.

   If there's a law against showing boobs on TV, then what's with all these campaign ads?

   Fellas, If a girl switches from Cowgirl to Doggy-Style on her own, without even needing to be told........ you have found a f*ck Goddess.

   I hate it when you are looking for something and you realize that it is in your hand.

   Why when your car breaks down and you push it to the side of the road, does someone ask "is your car broke down?" "NO, I decided to take it for a walk."

   I'm thinking of getting a tattoo saying, "I'll regret this one day"