Funny Status Messages

   Mom: Some scary old lady keeps FaceTiming me. Me: Mom, turn your camera around and she’ll go away.

   I thought Row vs. Wade was Washington's decision when he reached the Delaware.

   My mom never allowed violent video games. Just family-friendly board games with questions like, "Who murdered this guy with a pipe?"

   Do not worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older it will avoid you.

   People that cheat on their taxes disgust me. This is not the world I want to raise my 28 dependents in...

   Due to the Quarantine, I’ll only be telling inside jokes.

   I’m working from home. But as a bartender.

   I saw a hipster wearing socks because it’s so cold.

   The people that are trying to make the world worse never take a day off, why should I? Light up the darkness.

   Now that the government has re-opened I guess I have to stop removing these mattress tags

   Word of the Day: Intaxication - That brief period of euphoria you feel between receiving a tax refund and then realizing it was your money to begin with.

   This is Assumption Club. I think we all know why we are here.

   Why does Flo from Progressive needs to have an apron on to sell insurance. Is there something dirty about insurance we should know about?

   Was wondering...when you have a mandatory meeting at work, why do the presenters always thank you for being there?

   I love coffee, but if someone with a British accent offers me crumpets and tea, l would totally cheat.

   Elon Musk should be awarded the Gold Medal of Freedom.

   When you're a kid, it makes you feel proud when someone says "Wow! You've gotten so big since the last time I saw you!" As an adult, not so much.

   I don't care how important you think you are. You should do what you learned in kindergarten and be patient and wait your turn.

   Too many of environmentally friendly philosophers in the world and not enough people willing to bend over to pick up a piece of garbage.

   If we aren't supposed to be too close to the microwave then why do they show us food twirling around in there?