Funny Status Messages

   I've got 99 problems and I'm not dealing with any of them (Lay-Z)

   My plan this New Years Eve is to avoid people who have plans this New Years Eve.

   Most women are open to anything in bed if you make it clear you're not going to get anything in their hair.

   Work is the hardest place to avoid talking to people who don't know what the hell they're talking about.

   Opportunity knock only once, if you hear a second knock it's probally a Jehovah's witness.

   Some people are just beautifully wrapped boxes of s$it.

   hey... I just met you, and this is crazy, but please shut the f$ck up.

   Today is the national animal day,please take a moment to remember your EX

   I'm not saying we should kill all the stupid people in the world, I'm just saying we should remove the warning labels from everything and let the problem take care of itself.

   If you're a white guy with cornrows it should be several acres and in Nebraska.

   Dear Santa, I didn't want to make it too hard for you this year, so, the only thing on my list this year is 1 year paid leave from work. with bonus

   I hate that I push myself to do so many squats and lunges only to be forced into walking like a penguin the next day.

   Laughter is the best medicine... except for treating diarrhea...

   I wish I had a twin so I could have every other day off of work.

   Hand sanitizer is the best way to find invisible cuts on your hands.

   2013: The year the movie 2012 will be moved from the action section to comedy.

   Candyland tastes like cardboard.

   if you are down & need a friend, call me...if you need to borrow money, the number you have dialed is no longer in service

   Lonely and unloved? There's a cat for that.

   Never tell a woman to calm down when she's drunk, it's like baptizing a cat. It's not gonna work