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My wife doesn't appreciate that I love her mother in law more than I love mine. 
Usually, the one you want, is the one you can't have.
The best time to give kids advice is when they're still young enough to believe you.
If the past calls, let it go to voicemail. It has nothing new to say.
Considering I'm still sitting here in my underwear eating beef jerky and Reese's peanut butter cups, you all may want to chose someone else to take advice from today!
If coffee or booze can't fix it, then it's a serious problem.
They say money doesn't buy happiness, so I'm willing to go out of my comfort zone and test out that theory for $100,000,000. I promise to document any frowning while paragliding, jet skiing, driving a Lambo or flying in my G5
Sometimes I like to pet another dog while making eye contact with my dog. Adds just the right amount of tension to our relationship.
Whenever I see a group of girls talking I just barge in and say "he is such an a$$hole" and just like that, I'm part of the group.
Even if women came with a set of instructions, men would toss them aside without reading them.
If you see me out somewhere and act like you didn't, you should know that I ignored you first.
Have you ever said something and immediately thought "I didn't know I knew that."
Someone on FB called me a clown. Now I've got to go hide under his bed with a knife cause that's what clowns do.
I will climb the highest mountain. Swim the deepest sea. I will cross the desert land. I would do anything to get away from you.
Having kids is a lot like living in a frat house. Everythings sticky and your not quite sure why...
Today feels like a pull the fire alarm kinda day.
The saddest part in The Lion King 3D is that part when I can't afford a movie ticket at 27 years old.
Your clothes are making me extremely uncomfortable. Please take them off.
I didn't text you to exercise my fingers, I want a damn reply.
Get ready for a thousand Gaddafi jokes *yawn*
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