Funny Status Messages

   In what world does a box of macaroni and cheese serve 4 people?

   .... The poor mother was only trying to give her son a chance at a better life ..... Then zookeepers shot his new adoptive parent.

   I'm bored, I think I'll ask my boyfriend if I look fat. - women

   Wait,,,, What does it mean when my bride uses air quotes during the vows???

   Ok body wash, unless you're caffeinated and drinkable, you can cool it with the "energizing" claims. You're soap.

   Attractive women post selfies and refer to themselves as ugly. As a group, if we begin agreeing with them we could stop that sh*t quick.

   When I see a bruised apple at the market, I give it a soft hug and whisper, "Who did this to you?"

   3.67 billion Women in the world and I just had to make my own sandwich! :((

   Fellas: Bet your female friend that she can't use both of her elbows to touch her belly button. Watch, enjoy and thank me later.

   I saved my girlfriends phone number as 'LOW BATTERY'. Whenever she calls and I'm not around, the wife takes the phone and plugs it to the charger unknowingly.

   Hurricane preparedness tip: 1. Buy several kegs of beer 2. Drink beer 3. Wait for flooding 4. Drop kegs in water 5. Float to safety....

   After 31 free samples,, I decided I wasn't really in the mood for Baskin Robins

   I need plastic surgery to fix whatever it is about my face that gives people the impression I want to hear about their relationship problems

   No thanks CVS, I don’t need a bag. I’ll just wrap up my purchase in the 12 foot receipt you just gave me.

   Today, I was rejected by a girl when she told me she is not ready to date. We met on a dating website

   "Do you know where the nearest payphone is located?" Um... 1998?

   I'm sorry I jumped on you, from a distance you looked like a conclusion.

   I always chase joggers with my car to motivate them. It's a thankless job....

   Best advice my mom ever gave me .. "Marry a girl with small hands because it will make your pecker look bigger."

   It's not my fault you didn't read the fine print. I came with a warning label.