Marshall The Great Funny Status Messages

   Folgers coffee ads are ALL WRONG! The best part of waking up is being able roll over and go back to sleep.

   Just saw a guy using a payphone. I can only assume he's being told where to deliver the ransom money.

   When a woman says “What?” It's not because didn't hear you, she's just giving you a chance to change what you said!

   Whenever I see a grown man on a bicycle, I can't help but think DUI.

   I think we all know, the first time he Tebows in New York, somebody will steal his wallet.

   My girlfriend's always helping me to keep fit. Every time she mentions marriage, I run a f*cking mile.

   I proposed my girl today. Apparently "Do you want to be the one who makes sandwiches for me for the rest of my life" isn't the way to do it.

   Even if women came with directions, you still wouldn't read them.

   I thought about going outside and doing something today but my Wi-Fi really doesn't reach very far.

   My life has a superb cast... I just can't figure out the plot.

   There's gotta be a better use for the part of my brain that remembers every word to "Baby Got Back."

   The A/C in my office isn't working and has now officially become an employee.

   So this girl at a coffee bar came up to me and said I was kinda cute. Kinda? Well, thanks, you sort of fat b!tch.

   I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.

   Facebook Privacy Settings Tip: See where it says, "Automatically share my personal information with identity thieves, sex offenders and all my psycho exes? Yeah, you're gonna wanna unclick THAT box.

   Laughing at your mistakes can lengthen your life. Laughing at your wife's can shorten it.

   The best curve on a woman is her smile :) ...No I'm just kidding, it's her boobs.

   Some people message me and wonder why I've deleted them from my friends list. And I always respond "Even the trash gets taken out once week around here."

   I hate long walks on beaches, picnics suck, dinner and a movie costs too much, I expect my woman to make me a sandwich, bring me a beer and not say a word while I'm watching the game.~ Honest guys eHarmny profile

   It definitely takes a lot of courage to stand up to your enemies but it takes a whole lot more to stand up to your friends...or to yourself.