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confronts reality pokes it in the eye 
Shia LaBeouf always manages to come back into our lives at the exact moment we forget how to spell his last name
My husband's on a work Skype, so every few minutes I silently cross the room behind him dressed as a new character from Wicked.
Me pre-milkshake: Oohh! I'm gonna have a milkshake! Me post-milkshake: I feel like hell and wish I were dead.
Ran out of coffee this morning. Vodka seemed a reasonable replacement. Everyone is soo pretty this today...
My boss said our teamwork at work should be as good as our teamwork at home with our spouses and all I could think was what kind of crazy marriage does he have?
You know I had a pretty good childhood. I remember when dad used to roll me down the hill inside a tire....... those were goodyears.
Imagine an e-mail finding you well
I heard a good song on the radio today. Broken alarm clock blues. It's the one that starts, "I woke up this afternoon..."
If I was one of the seven dwarfs I'd be Nopey.
Approx 4,500yrs ago men would wake up everyday to build the great pyramid. I got up this morning with anxiety about unloading the dishwasher
A baby that is starting to wake up from a nap is like a solar eclipse. Whatever you do, do not look directly at it.
Adulting is putting back a pack of chicken for $8.58 because you see one for $8.17...
Rosetta Stone says they’ll have me speaking another language in a month. Babbel says one week. But this bourbon only takes, like, an hour.
I’m aging like a fine banana
Once again the Aflac duck balloon will be at the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade. And if you think that’s weird, wait till you see the balloon for that old guy from the Cialis commercials.
The Toronto Zoo is planning to split up a pair of gay penguins. You know how they're going to split them up? By giving the penguins just one ticket to see “Mamma Mia.”
At some point you realize that world peace and inner peace are too much to wish for and ask for an extra piece of pizza instead
: I just danced in front of my cat and he yawned. True story.
I love when you look into someone's eyes and you can just see their face light up because they are some sort of cyborg with face lighting.