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“I have a taser in my purse” - me flirting 
Why isn't anyone at this beach lowering their sunglasses to check me out?
If you call your parents by their first names, we can’t be friend.
A movie about dating a person in their 20s would be called 2 Fast 2 Curious.
I just apologized to a chair for walking into it. Let's focus on my manners before you judge my sobriety.
Dating in your 20s: I love you so much. Let's get married! 30s: We get along pretty well. We should live together? 40s: I guess you can stay the night but don't touch my damn stuff.
They say that opposites attract...... So I'm looking for a drug adicted unemployed drunk girl.
Got gas today for a $1.39....... unfortunately it was from Taco Bell.
In a galaxy 40 billion light years away some alien dude is saying, “but I’m not like the other guys,” while an alien lady rolls all 37 of her eyes.
Alert and sober is no way to go through life.
my mom taught me to only have sex with someone I love, and that's why I masturbate so often.
Women have foreheads so you have somewhere to kiss them after a BJ .
When prince charming kisses a teenage girl in a coma he's a romantic hero. When I do it I'm a pervert.
Last year I received 87 birthday wishes via facebook, text and phone. This year I received 98. That's an increase in popularity by 12.64%. Stocks going up.
Order Food, Eat Food, Put on a MAGA Hat, get kicked out, don't pay
ME: these fireworks are so quiet WIFE: those are palm trees
You know your house is dirty when people wipe their feet when they are leaving.
What’s it called when your hard work doesn’t pay off?
Neymar has great potential to become a Hollywood star for performing art.
FIFA refs should issue pink cards for flopping.