Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

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   messageicon confronts reality pokes it in the eye
←Rate | 11-08-2019 09:37 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Shia LaBeouf always manages to come back into our lives at the exact moment we forget how to spell his last name
←Rate | 11-08-2019 09:37 Comments (0)  

   messageicon My husband's on a work Skype, so every few minutes I silently cross the room behind him dressed as a new character from Wicked.
←Rate | 11-08-2019 09:34 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Me pre-milkshake: Oohh! I'm gonna have a milkshake! Me post-milkshake: I feel like hell and wish I were dead.
←Rate | 11-08-2019 09:34 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Ran out of coffee this morning. Vodka seemed a reasonable replacement. Everyone is soo pretty this today...
←Rate | 11-08-2019 08:48 by Gabe Comments (0)  

   messageicon My boss said our teamwork at work should be as good as our teamwork at home with our spouses and all I could think was what kind of crazy marriage does he have?
←Rate | 11-07-2019 15:14 Comments (0)  

   messageicon You know I had a pretty good childhood. I remember when dad used to roll me down the hill inside a tire....... those were goodyears.
←Rate | 11-07-2019 14:44 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Imagine an e-mail finding you well
←Rate | 11-07-2019 11:54 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I heard a good song on the radio today. Broken alarm clock blues. It's the one that starts, "I woke up this afternoon..."
←Rate | 11-07-2019 11:53 Comments (0)  

   messageicon If I was one of the seven dwarfs I'd be Nopey.
←Rate | 11-07-2019 11:19 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Approx 4,500yrs ago men would wake up everyday to build the great pyramid. I got up this morning with anxiety about unloading the dishwasher
←Rate | 11-07-2019 11:18 Comments (0)  

   messageicon A baby that is starting to wake up from a nap is like a solar eclipse. Whatever you do, do not look directly at it.
←Rate | 11-07-2019 11:15 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Adulting is putting back a pack of chicken for $8.58 because you see one for $8.17...
←Rate | 11-07-2019 11:11 by Gabe Comments (0)  

   messageicon Rosetta Stone says they’ll have me speaking another language in a month. Babbel says one week. But this bourbon only takes, like, an hour.
←Rate | 11-07-2019 10:08 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I’m aging like a fine banana
←Rate | 11-07-2019 09:47 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Once again the Aflac duck balloon will be at the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade. And if you think that’s weird, wait till you see the balloon for that old guy from the Cialis commercials.
←Rate | 11-07-2019 05:35 Comments (0)  

   messageicon The Toronto Zoo is planning to split up a pair of gay penguins. You know how they're going to split them up? By giving the penguins just one ticket to see “Mamma Mia.”
←Rate | 11-07-2019 05:32 Comments (0)  

   messageicon At some point you realize that world peace and inner peace are too much to wish for and ask for an extra piece of pizza instead
←Rate | 11-07-2019 05:29 Comments (0)  

   messageicon : I just danced in front of my cat and he yawned. True story.
←Rate | 11-07-2019 05:28 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I love when you look into someone's eyes and you can just see their face light up because they are some sort of cyborg with face lighting.
←Rate | 11-07-2019 05:28 Comments (0)  

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