Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

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   messageicon “I have a taser in my purse” - me flirting
←Rate | 07-08-2018 10:17 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Why isn't anyone at this beach lowering their sunglasses to check me out?
←Rate | 07-08-2018 10:11 Comments (9)  

   messageicon If you call your parents by their first names, we can’t be friend.
←Rate | 07-08-2018 09:59 Comments (0)  

   messageicon A movie about dating a person in their 20s would be called 2 Fast 2 Curious.
←Rate | 07-08-2018 09:57 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I just apologized to a chair for walking into it. Let's focus on my manners before you judge my sobriety.
←Rate | 07-08-2018 09:47 Comments (2)  

   messageicon Dating in your 20s: I love you so much. Let's get married! 30s: We get along pretty well. We should live together? 40s: I guess you can stay the night but don't touch my damn stuff.
←Rate | 07-08-2018 09:34 Comments (0)  

   messageicon They say that opposites attract...... So I'm looking for a drug adicted unemployed drunk girl.
←Rate | 07-08-2018 04:05 by Jake Comments (0)  

   messageicon Got gas today for a $1.39....... unfortunately it was from Taco Bell.
←Rate | 07-08-2018 03:59 by Jake Comments (0)  

   messageicon In a galaxy 40 billion light years away some alien dude is saying, “but I’m not like the other guys,” while an alien lady rolls all 37 of her eyes.
←Rate | 07-08-2018 00:30 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Alert and sober is no way to go through life.
←Rate | 07-07-2018 10:54 Comments (4)  

   messageicon my mom taught me to only have sex with someone I love, and that's why I masturbate so often.
←Rate | 07-07-2018 00:16 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Women have foreheads so you have somewhere to kiss them after a BJ .
←Rate | 07-06-2018 20:13 by Jake Comments (0)  

   messageicon When prince charming kisses a teenage girl in a coma he's a romantic hero. When I do it I'm a pervert.
←Rate | 07-06-2018 20:08 by Jake Comments (0)  

   messageicon Last year I received 87 birthday wishes via facebook, text and phone. This year I received 98. That's an increase in popularity by 12.64%. Stocks going up.
←Rate | 07-06-2018 18:27 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Order Food, Eat Food, Put on a MAGA Hat, get kicked out, don't pay
←Rate | 07-06-2018 13:39 Comments (1)  

   messageicon ME: these fireworks are so quiet WIFE: those are palm trees
←Rate | 07-06-2018 09:34 Comments (0)  

   messageicon You know your house is dirty when people wipe their feet when they are leaving.
←Rate | 07-06-2018 04:38 by Jake Comments (0)  

   messageicon What’s it called when your hard work doesn’t pay off?
←Rate | 07-06-2018 02:19 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Neymar has great potential to become a Hollywood star for performing art.
←Rate | 07-06-2018 02:01 Comments (0)  

   messageicon FIFA refs should issue pink cards for flopping.
←Rate | 07-06-2018 02:01 Comments (0)  

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