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Mashed potatoes with the skin still on them was invented by a person who was peeling potatoes and eventually said screw it. 
Me: oh the usual- just shedding some skin cells and still fascinated with champagne bubbles and tree bark. Friend: why can’t you ever just say “fine thanks”?
sometimes when cartoons are playing other cartoons’ skeletons like a xylophone, the same rib makes two different sounds
I don’t wish death on anyone, but I do wish malicious glitter on many.
If 2 or more nachos are stuck together they count as one. Unfortunately the same rule does not apply to dishwasher pods. I know this now
Her: ooh your whole wall is a mirror, I bet you do all sorts of naughty things *giggling* Me: [thinking about practicing sweet karate moves against my evil doppelgänger] haha you know it babe
my kid is in her bed kicking her wall in morse code. nope, scratch that. It’s either Wheels on the Bus or Bohemian Rhapsody, but I’m gonna tell her either way to go ahead and skip to the end
If there’s a civil war just a heads up I’m going after all the Herbalife and Shakeology people first
I’d be so lost without a sense of humor I don’t know how most of you do it
*reading the nutrition facts of a cookie* me: so I’ll need to eat at least 83 of these to get 100% of my daily protein
If rubbing toast crumbs off your face counts as exfoliating, then yes, I exfoliate every day.
Looking back, I should have considered all the framed pics of serial killers she had as a red flag.
I'm looking at the bright side of having 10 people or less over for Thanksgiving. More turkey for me!
If you think a college education isn't worth the money, I'm here to tell you that whenever I say something stupid, I can get out of trouble by saying, "Sorry, I was an art major."
The truth is like a lion. You don't have to defend it. Let it loose. It will defend itself.
Years ago, I was all set to marry the man of my dreams. On the day we were supposed to elope, he didn’t show up. It took me a year or two to accept he didn’t marry me because he didn’t know I existed, I was 13 and he was Sam Elliot ;-)
Tortilla paper. When everyone buys out all the toilet paper again, I’ll be using expired tortillas.
Breaking news!!! They are making a sequel to "Unforgiven" . It's called "Look, I said I was sorry".
Has anyone suggested the Google Earth app to the Flat Earth Society?
Remember, it’s not actually a coup unless it comes from the coup d'état region of france, otherwise it’s just a sparkling authoritarian takeover.