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“What if your breakfast could occasionally spit acid in your eye?” -Inventor of grapefruit 
Fact: “Intercourse” sounds more like it’s about vehicular traffic than sex.
Guy about to invent the everything bagel: *removes couch cushions to vacuum*
All I’m sayin is that you’re not gonna want my kid doing your taxes after being homeschooled by me.
They don't seem to be tearing down MLK statues.
If TuPac and Biggie were still alive Kanye would be folding T-Shirts at the Gap right about now.
They said wearing a mask keeps you from touching your face… I need one for my d*ck.
Joe Biden looks like he smells like pee.
Not saying I have the biggest nose in the world but my mask is a D cup
No, things are not getting worse. They are just getting more obvious.
ur mom gay
The difference between Andrew Cuomo and Osama Bin Laden is Cuomo kiIIed more New Yorkers.
For some reason, I always thought Elijah Cummings and John Lewis were the same guy. ☻
They need to change all of the street signs on my street. It seems that stop, yield and speed limits have no effect. They should change them to “safe Drivers save 40%
Wattassp status
2 + 2 = 46,783 -the CDC counting covid19 cases
Here's a freebie Earthlings: treat Covid-19 as you would canine parvovirus.
Why is that whenever the doorbell rings my dogs always think it is for them?
Calm down! Walmart is just asking you to wear a mask and you can still wear your pajamas and leave your bras and teeth at home.
So Wal-mart is making all customers wear masks now. Next thing you know, we'll have to wear pants too!