Marshall The Great Funny Status Messages

   I see a nice candle lit dinner for 2 and she sees an opportunity to b!tch about me not paying the power bill... Not a romantic bone in her body :(

   I wore a leather jacket and a lady said a cow was murdered for that... I said so you were a witness now I have to kill you too.

   Friends are like shoes. We look for good-looking ones, but at the end, we choose the ones we feel comfortable with.

   People assume when I yawn that I've lost interest in what they have to say but truth be told, I was never interested.

   You said "CALL ME!", but you didn't hold your pinky and thumb out and put it next to your ear, so I didn't take you seriously.

   Women may be the only thing that are easier to pick up as they get heavier.

   I'm beginning to suspect the only reason I'm not hungover is because I'm still drunk.

   NOTICE: Helen Waite is now in charge of my complaint department. SO if you have any complaints - please go to Helen Waite.

   Maybe I should be Tony Romo for Halloween so kids can intercept candy that I pass out.

   LIKE IF: You sat down to check Facebook real quick and...an hour later, you're still here.

   Those people who try to tear you down are just pissed that they can't reach you where you are standing.

   I love you so much that there's almost no chance I'd use you as a human shield against a Navy SEAL'S attack.

   The word “but” is a great way to let people know that the first part of your sentence was all a lie.

   You know those times when you just can't think of anything good to write, so you just post some crap? KNOCK IT OFF!!!

   I met a girl in the pub last night and we ended up back at my place. I didn't have a clue what I was getting myself into. So I politely asked her to shave it.

   The nice thing about waiting a week to listen to your voicemail is that those people usually don't need you for that thing anymore.

   I told my boss I couldn't make it to work because of the weather today. "But it's sunny outside," he said. "Exactly," I replied, as I pop open a beer.

   Now that I have the Facebook timline it looks like I didn't exist before 2009, when, in fact, that's when I stopped existing!

   Sorry to hear about the whole “losing your mind thing.” But I know you pretty well and I don't think you'll miss it.

   I saw the new Facebook movie. Filling the theater with annoying people adds a realistic touch.