Marshall the Great Funny Status Messages

   When people start a sentence with "Do you know what your problem is..." I interrupt and start telling them all my problems. They never expect that.

   When a girl cancels a date she cancels it because she has to. When a guy cancels a date he cancels it because he has two.

   This bill collector called my house for the last time today. I told him just like it is... You call my house 1 more time and I'm taking your name out the hat. I put everybody's name in a hat, at the end of the week I draw a name and that's the one I pay.

   Some of the best memories leave a stain.

   Thanks for all the birthday wishes. I also accept gifts in the form of beer, casual sex and football tickets.

   If you're not using your grownup powers to occasionally do something your child-self would have found awesome, then what's the point?

   You know when guys pee, and they shake their pen!s for that last drop? ...........That's how much gas I got for 2 dollars.

   My feelings are hurt that it took you two months to figure out that I blocked you. B!TCH!

   I spent most of the weekend interacting with real friends instead of being on Facebook. It was a horrible decision.

   Facebook really needs a "pee on someone's wall" option.

   If a woman seems sensitive or cranky and you suspect she has her period, do you really think it's wise to ask her?

   I like birthdays, but I think too many can kill you.

   If you have never shot bottle rockets from a beer bottle at your drunk friends on the 4th of July then you are not enjoying your freedom to the fullest.

   I don't think Cough drops have an expiration date but at some point you have to start eating them with the wrapper still on.

   Every day of my life is like an episode of LOST, something crazy always happens and I never have any idea what's going on.

   Just unlocked level 315 on not giving a f*ck.

   Of course I'm sorry about your problem. Just like the other 1,536 of your friends that keep reading about it. Trust me... we're ALL sorry for reading it!

   it rude to throw an Altoid in someone's mouth while they are talking?

   I just saw a woman in a pair of Daisy Dukes. Unfortunately, she looked like Boss Hogg.

   Why do we only crave what's bad for us? Alcohol, deep fried food, cake... You never hear anyone say "I'd kill for some salad."