Marshall the Great Funny Status Messages

   Sexy Mode [ON] OFF

   I'm sorry that I blocked you while I was drunk last night........ but I couldn't figure out how to do it while I was sober. I hope you understand.

   Symptoms may include insomnia, depression, suicidal thoughts, hallucinations, nausea, stroke or heart attack. (shrugs) At least my headache is gone.

   If at any point in the conversation you say the word "insane," I will instantly add "in the membrane."

   My dad told me that if I didn't change my ways that I was going to wake up dead some day. Cool! I'm gonna be a zombie.

   I don't like that Google's Instant Search counts every letter I type as a new search, mostly because I searched for "criminal analysis" and now Google has a record of me searching for "criminal anal."

   Any one can stay true to your face, it's the people who stay true behind your back that really count.

   If vegetarians love animals so much, why do they eat all their food?

   It's like my Fantasy Football players aren't listening to a single word of the speech I gave to my TV.

   I saw some drunk guy chasing his shadow down the street screaming "Give me back my wallet."

   Imagine how fun Pringles would be if the cans were spring-loaded.

   I should do my own TV series........... Man vs Drink

   A realtor called asking if I'm interested in selling my house. I'm interested in my neighbour selling his so I booked him an appointment.

   Post this as your status update if you hate status updates that tell you to repost something.

   Some people think that I assume the world revolves around me, which of course is total nonsense. The world revolves around the sun, which shines out of my a$$.

   I bet those Chilean miners going to be pissed when they have to go back to work at 5 in the morning tomorrow.

   Just once I'd like my girlfriend not to scream when I do my hilarious Stevie Wonder driving a car impression.

   The first couple to be shown in bed together on prime time television were: Fred and Wilma Flintstone.

   Keep your guests on their toes by disabling the flush mechanism on all the toilets in your house and filling the medicine cabinets with marbles.

   Women are like steaks. They should be a little thick,really juicy and eaten at least once a week