SuthernFukr Funny Status Messages

   Prison is peculiar. All the pros are cons.

   All I want is to live in a world where kids don't lose their s*** when they see Elmo.

   One could make a reasonable argument that the tot is the best part of the tater.

   Hah! Got my inflatable Santa Jesus up before you this year, Henderson. SUCK IT, CHRISTMAS LOSER!!!

   The average doorknob has more cooties on it than 700,000,000 very dirty anuses.

   If it was really a "smart phone" it would know to tell me to wash my hands before I touch it.

   I may not be everyone's cup of tea, but I am everyone's great big bag of weed when they come home for the holidays.

   Why do firetrucks often accompany ambulances to a call? I'd be like "I'm not on fire; I just can't feel my legs! Chillax!"

   After just 3 min. of reading a MAXIM in a waiting room, I grew a thick goatee & told a nurse to "Make me a damn sandwich."

   Hey Little Drummer Boy -the Roman Army's hunting us, we're hiding in a barn & the baby's sleeping. Maybe STFU w/the drum.

   Was just about to pump iron but then I thought, "Does a rose need to wear perfume?"

   A dry sense of humor is better than slobbering all over the place.

   I wish I had a deity co-pilot. I don't even have an emergency contact.

   Andy Rooney's college roommate/lifelong friend drops dead at the late legend's memorial service. BUT HE DID WIN THE BET!

   My girlfriend asked me if a fleshlight lights up like a flashlight because it would be a great dual purpose tool. I can't argue that.

   Whenever someone tells me I should be ashamed of myself, I'm like "Got it covered, bro!"

   With "Slim T's" t-shirts Man has finally perfected the Wifebeater-girdle.

   I opened up a bottle of coke and it said, "Sorry, you didn't win". I didn't even know I was playing, yet I was still disappointed.

   I bet in hell you have to sleep in a hot bedroom with a pillow that never has a cool side.

   If I had an anal fissure, I would go around bragging, “I'm so ripped.”