Marshall the Great Funny Status Messages

   When somebody sends me a 'k' text, I assume they forgot the rest of "fuc_ you" so I make sure to correct them.

   Relationships are like fat people, most of them don't work out.

   I wonder if women ever walk into a bar, see lots of women and think, "This bar sucks, it's a taco fest in here!"

   Everybody says that you should say no to drugs, but I'm thinking that if you're talking to drugs, it's too late.

   I see you have a tribal tattoo, I didn't know Douchebag was a tribe.

   I gave our new female employee an instant promotion in exchange for sex. You should've seen her face when she found out I wasn't the boss.m

   I used to be a man trapped in a woman's body... Then I was born and that ended that fiasco.

   I wrote a status about unemployment earlier, but didn't post it. It needs some work.

   There are no winners in life... only survivors.

   Max Factor - A mathematical equation based on the density of the makeup applied to a woman's face to determine if she is really beautiful.

   When I'm in a public bathroom stall and someone knocks on the door, I like to whisper, "lemme see the drugs first." You'd be surprised how quiet it gets.

   Sometimes people are beautiful. Not in looks. Not in what they say. Just in what they are.

   If the neighbors don't know your name, you're not f*cking your woman right...

   Haven't gotten ONE response to my hospital job applications!! Can someone make sure my email address works: merciful_angel_of_death82@yahoodotcom

   used Tag bodywash this morning and was looking forward to a goodtime before work. Unfortunately, no girls busted through walls or outran cheetahs to ravage me, dammit.

   Old meaning of sorry. "I won`t do it again." New meaning of sorry. "Damn I got caught, next time I need to be more careful."

   I'm bad kinda in sentences at words order the right putting in.

   My friend said she thought it was so cute how me and my girlfriend always hold hands. I didn't have the heart to tell her that it's because if I let go she goes shopping.

   I'm ashamed of this but one Halloween I handed out bouillon cubes. Ha! Joking. I'm not ashamed, it was hilarious.

   If you ALWAYS think the grass is greener on the other side, it might be because you need to take better care of your own sh!t.