Funny Status Messages

   There are four stages of life; 1) You believe in Santa Claus. 2) You don't believe in Santa Claus. 3) You are Santa Claus. 4) You look like Santa Claus.

   You actually are not the stupidest person on the planet. But if he were to die...

   used to have super powers but the psychiatrist took them all away.

   .....why does bottled water have a use by date on it if it's been trickling down mountains for hundreds of years???

   Destiny may decide who touches your Life ~ Your heart may decide who touches your Soul ~ But...Tequila decides who touches your body

   I just found out c.ock fighting is done with roosters and now it feels like this 6 months of training has been wasted.

   It's kinda bullsh*t how humans have to obey all these laws while bears get to eat whoever they want.

   Sometimes it's hard to know know what to say to cheer someone up who's going through a rough patch in their life. Turns out letting them stare at my cleavage is enough.

   The easiest way to get a child's attention is to sit down and look comfortable.

   I can't tell if the vegetarians upstairs are having sex or are finally eating a steak.

   What has the world come too? I over heard some people talking. A 15 yr old girl said "I'm pregnant" and I think it was her aunt who said "Congratulations". Are you serious? Congrats? How about you just ruined your life, you dumbass wh0re

   Women come in two types: batsiht crazy and hot enough to ignore the batsiht crazy…

   I heard a guy complaining how expensive his wedding is costing him. Boy, he is gonna be real pist when he finds out how much his divorce is going to cost

   Whoever cast J-Lo in the movie "Anaconda" was a genius, because anacondas don't want none unless you got buns, hun.

   The only instant messaging I do is with my middle finger.

   On a scale of 1 to "Me".. how smart are you?

   May the 4th be with you.

   I wonder if gay people ever say things like "Oh my god that is SO straight."

   "Every time I see a mattress on top of a car I think it's a prostitute making house calls."

   i thought I saw you today, but as I got closer, I realized it was a trash can