Funny Status Messages

   Happy Single-Awareness Day!

   I didn't realize until Facebook that most of my friends are wannabe farmers, gangsters or cooks.

   if you poke, please poke responsibly

   Evening news is where they begin with 'Good evening', and then proceed to tell you why it isn't.

   If you tell the truth you don't have to remember anything.

   One of my pet peeves is women who don't put the toilet seat back up when they're finished.

   It's impossible to bring up life insurance with your spouse without it seeming like you plan to have them whacked.

   if dill was a cookie flavor, would the batter be called "dill dough"?

   Dear men who are smart and hot and madly in love with me: Please start existing.

   finally figured out what flies and mosquitoes are for. They're God's way of making us slap ourselves.

   A cop pulls a guy over for weaving in traffic. He walks up to the driver's window and asks, "You drinkin?" The driver says, "You buyin?"

   WHEW! I just had a near-work experience...

   When deciding which self-checkout line to stand in, I don't look to see how many items they have, I look to see how intelligent they look.

   I'm going to replace my car horn with machine gun audio.

   Some people should not be allowed to have cell phones in their cars. Not me though, I can drive with my knee.

   you've been unfriended, unfollowed and blocked. Let me know where you can see this, so I can block you there too!

   Relastionships are like yard sales. They might look good from a distance but close up its just a bunch of crap you dont need

   went to Wal-Mart this afternoon and discovered that some people think Febreeze is a substitution for doing laundry.

   You should not clean a gun while loaded....Unless you're wiping off fingerprints!!

   Dear Curiosity, just put the gun down and lets talk this out.~ Sincerely, The Cat.