Marshall the Great Funny Status Messages

   The difference between making love and f*cking is the condition of the furniture afterward.

   You don't know how strong you are until you have no other option.

   Sh!t you not: My cashier's name was Kashir. Motherf*cker would NOT let me take a picture. He said he "don't geeve a sheet about fecebook."

   For men who think.."A woman's place is in the kitchen," Just remember, that's where the knives are kept.

   Scrw you recommended serving size. You don't know me.

   Ladies: Nothing says "B*tch Don't F*ck With Me" more than, tucking your tampon behind your ear like a cigarette.

   Come on down! You're the next contestant on STFU!

   4 Steps to dealing with telemarketers: 1. Repeat yourself 3 times 2. Always respond in question form 3. Scream at random 4. Make no sense

   I'm the type of person who would spend 20 years becoming a judge, just so ONE person could be all, "You can't judge me!" And I'm like, "Bull$hit."

   I cut my commute time in half by changing my car's horn to sound like gunfire.

   When someone says "You're the best," just know that it's not really true because I'm the best.

   If you never whined and begged your mom for a quarter to put in the trinket machine in the front of the grocery store and then ended up chasing a bouncy ball down isle 9 and knocking over a pyramid of potted meat then your childhood probably sucked.

   If the replies you get from text messages consist of only one word, take the hint.

   This morning I had to stare death directly in the eyes! Well, it was my ex, but she looks dead and it was still scary.

   I have more money now than I did when I went out last night. Which means I exchanged goods and/or services while drunk. Not good.

   I hardly know you... but, Facebook says it's your birthday, so happy birthday!

   I was having a fantastic nap on the way to work this morning, until some inconsiderate ba$tard decided to bounce off my windshield.

   Always believe a woman when she says, "You don't want to know!"

   Making up fake resumes for my coworkers and submitting them for sh!tty jobs.

   This is no ordinary silly grin on my face, it's an educated one.