Funny Status Messages

   I learn from the mistakes of others who have taken my advice.

   - Why is it that if a guy proposes to a girl and she's refuses it's called 'wanting her freedom' and when a girl proposes to a guy and he refuses, it's called 'being scared of commitment'. =|

   After all these years of impotence, on my headstone I want it to read, "Stiff At Last"

   If Disneyland is supposed to be the happiest place on Earth, then explain waiting in line for 2 hrs for a 2 minute ride and the $5 sodas.

   I would like to see a tax on every word that come out of the mouth of politicians. That should balance the budget in a day or two.

   All the Animals are on board and accounted for, Noah, but I've got bad news. The unicorns are gay."

   going to retire from being a flasher.... but decided to stick it out one more year!

   I'll bet if Andy Capp's wife took that stupid rag off her head and dolled herself up a bit, maybe he wouldnt have to get drunk all the time...

   It's never a good sign when you've exhausted your daily website routine within the first hour of being at work.

   feels like being single at 35 is akin to being a vulture...waiting for some other animal to walk away from some good bones that still have lots of tasty meat on them.

   Alright! Drunk me from last night made hungover me some epic sandwiches for lunch today. Man, I love that guy!" :)

   Just saw a guy hold the door open for his girlfriend, then playfully trip her as she walked in. So, chivalry isn't dead... it's just on life support.

   When I treat myself to a random hookup, I make sure to give it my all and really wow the girl. I don't need someone out there running around saying that I'm not a good bed buddy or couch buddy. Or kitchen table buddy. Or airport bathroom buddy.

   I can think of atleast 3 different ways to spend 78 million dollars more effectively.

   I prefer to learn from someone elses mistakes.

   would like to congratulate the makers of her new facial cleanser for truth in advertising. They promised younger looking skin & they were right...I haven't had acne like this since high school.

   ..i got tired of the grass always being greener on the other side, so that's where I've been sending my dog to relieve herself.

   •Long ago when men cursed and beat the ground with sticks, it was called witchcraft. Today, it's called golf.

   So exactly how many "become a fan of" or "join a groups" that promises a free something does it take for people to finally figure out that they don't work? I mean good lord, gullible much?

   best part of waking up is not Folgers in your cup; the best part is remembering the name of the person sleeping next to you.