Funny Status Messages

   feels like being single at 35 is akin to being a vulture...waiting for some other animal to walk away from some good bones that still have lots of tasty meat on them.

   Alright! Drunk me from last night made hungover me some epic sandwiches for lunch today. Man, I love that guy!" :)

   Just saw a guy hold the door open for his girlfriend, then playfully trip her as she walked in. So, chivalry isn't dead... it's just on life support.

   When I treat myself to a random hookup, I make sure to give it my all and really wow the girl. I don't need someone out there running around saying that I'm not a good bed buddy or couch buddy. Or kitchen table buddy. Or airport bathroom buddy.

   needs a shirt that says "Relax! It's not Swine Flu, it's just my allergies.

   If you have time to whine and complain about something then you have the time to do something about it

   Make yourself at home! Clean my kitchen.

   if it is not on wikipedia, then you are wrong, lady

   Some people use the power of positive thinking..... others you can be positive that they're not thinking

   "Scent" is the sense most tied to memory. "Common" is the sense least tied to people.

   just written "You have no new messages" on a piece of paper, put it in a bottle and thrown it far out to sea.

   Bing is a great website, for internet searches. I know this, because I Googled it.

   Wishing your pets could talk is fun until you remember everything you've ever done in front of your pets...

   wondering when BP is going to change the warning label on its gas from; Product contains up to 10% Ethanol, to, Product contains up to 50% salt water....

   I have accumulated considerable wealth which, along with my collection of firearms, makes me very attractive to women. (Every rap song)

   keeps mixing up Myspace and Facebook and is always inviting people to come on My Face.

   you could single handedly make my dreams come true! or you could use two hands.

   just realized while reading the newspaper, that in cartoons the person on the right is never allowed to speak first...

   If you got a problem with your woman dont go out and get another woman cause now you got 2 problems

   I'd rather have my arms fall off than make two trips carrying in groceries.