SuthernFukr Funny Status Messages

   Haven't seen David Blaine in a long time. I'd say it's his best trick ever.

   If it weren't for physics and law enforcement, I'd be unstoppable.

   The correct answer to "How are you?" is "Fine." If you ever stray from that dialogue, please know that nobody gives a sh!t.

   I just heard a woodpecker call me a 'paranoid old weirdo' in morse code.

   Don't worry about what people think. They don't do it that often.

   Gadaffi has been killed but unfortunately the 14 other spellings of his name remain at large.

   If you want to find a missing person, put their pictures on cigarettes. Smokers are the only ones standing outside in all kinds of weather.

   I like how the package for cotton swabs says don't put them in your ears and everyone in the world is thinking: "WTF else would I do with them?!"

   I can't believe we made a movie that is essentially giving the apes a blueprint on how to take over the Earth.

   Cashiers are always checking me out.

   Is it just me or do those red foil wrapped Hershey's kisses taste almost identical to the silver foil Hershey's kisses? I'll keep testing.

   Every time I use a public bathroom, one thought occurs..."Seriously? This many people have Sharpies on them at all times?"

   I accidentally hit a deer! Okay it wasn't a deer, it was a Smart car with fake antlers on it... and it wasn't an accident.

   If you're upset about seeing a middle finger on TV, you're going to sh!t yourself when you see everything else going on in the world.

   Yawning is your body's way of saying 20% of battery remaining.

   Ok, let's stop saying “Happy New Year” to everyone. It's January 7th and it's just awkward.

   Has that kid in the Dreamworks logo even caught a single fish yet?

   The only person I'd ever take love advice from is that French candlestick from Beauty and the Beast.

   Who Is Paul McCartney? You see kids, before PC's & Auto-tune, there were these mythical creatures who could sing/play/write songs themselves!

   Your secrets are safe with me, because I probably wasn't listening to begin with.