SEAN Funny Status Messages

   If you can text with both hands at the same time, you are Ambi-Textual.

   With only one plug in this hospital room it's not looking good for Nana's respirator if my phone battery dies and I have another AWESOME face book status update .

   Some moments you remember all your life. Reading this, unfortunately, is not one of those moments.

   I have a six figure salary. Unfortunately, all six figures are to the right of the decimal point.

   I took my Biology exam last Friday. I was asked to name two things commonly found in cells. Apparently "Blacks" and "Mexicans" were NOT the correct answers.

   I'd just come out of the shop with a meat and potato pie, large chips, mushy peas & a jumbo sausage. A poor homeless man sat there and said 'I've not eaten for two days.' I told him, 'I wish I had your will power.

   Snow in the forecast and the TV weather gal said she was expecting 8 inches tonight. I thought to myself, 'fat chance,' with a face like that!

   Japanese scientists have now created a camera with such a fantastic shutter speed that it is now possible to take a photograph of a woman with her mouth closed.

   Scared the postman by going to the door naked. I'm not sure what scared him more, my naked body or the fact that I knew where he lived.

   ‎20 years from now, some adults are going to say they grew up on the "bad part of town," meaning there was no 4G in that area.

   Always carry $100,000 cash on you at all times in case you ever feel like getting a sandwich from an airport.

   They say animal behavior can warn you when an earthquake is coming. Like the night before that last earthquake hit, our dog took the car keys and drove to Arizona.

   I stopped listening to heavy metal after googling "where to buy Anthrax" landed me on several government watch lists.

   My dog was licking his privates. My friend said "I wish I could do that". I said "You better pet him first, he's kind of mean".

   A waffle house is like a gas station bathroom that serves waffles.

   If you are under house arrest but live in a mobile home can you go anywhere you want?

   Lindsay Lohan should at least have to spend as much time in jail as we have to spend hearing about it.

   Every time I'm not with my kid and someone asks me "Where's the baby?" I just yell "Oh crap!" and run in the direction I came from.

   Someone told me that the word "gullible" was not in the dictionary. Well I checked and it was there! Sometimes people's idiocy surprises me.

   Patience" is what parents have when there are witnesses