Funny Status Messages

   I'm about 0 for 300 in looking for safes behind wall paintings

   I had this one night stand, and the next morning I felt so guilty I bought another one for the other side of the bed.

   I just saw a huge and very intricate spider web, but no spider. This foreclosure crisis is really getting out of hand

   3 bad things happened to me today: I found out my friend slept with my girl. My friend got hit by a bus. I lost my bus driver's licence.

   While you gamers play Call of Duty, keep in mind those men and woman that have answered the real call to duty. Happy Veterans Day.

   Someone asked me if I'm ever scared that I'll be alone forever, which I thought was so rude because my cat was RIGHT THERE.

   Question: : What do you get if you add human DNA to a goat? ... Answer: Kicked out of the petting zoo

   WAIT !!!.. So if I call the CDC, and tell them I have Ebola,,, they'll clean my house.??.... Seriously?.. Hmmmmm.

   If women would start naming their periods like hurricanes it would be alot easier for us men to remember which argument you are referring to..

   I don't like to think myself as 'Special' I like to think myself as limited edition

   It takes 4 toilet paper rolls to suck all the water out of the toilet. This is also just enough to bring a one year old great joy.

   (comment is abusive and offensive and has been removed by Facebook)

   Does a midget using an iphone look like a regular person using an ipad?

   thinks facebook needs a "who cares" button

   You have to speak to be heard, but sometimes you have to be silent to be appreciated.

   Men, if the Royal wedding has taught you one thing: Going bald doesn't matter as long as you own a Palace.

   Today, I posted my status on Facebook as "slightly hungover." My grandma commented on it with "liar, you were helping me clean last night."

   I hate when I find parking space and there's already a motorcycle parked in it.

   Instead of "single" as a marital status, they should put "independently owned and operated "

   I want to wear a "One in the Oven" shirt backwards... so the arrow points to my ass.