Funny Status Messages

   I didn't change, My standards did.

   It's annoying how people on facebook, post sad youtube videos or lyrics because they aren't over their ex. I've always wanted to say this to you. your ex doesn't give a crap, Your depressing post piss me off to no end, and I don't think he/she loves you.

   Hey people who abbreviate "text" to "txt," hly fck, ur lzy!

   Me and my missus got ready to cuddle up and watch our home made porno. I got up and pressed play, but unfortunately It was finished before I sat back down.

   Don't blame me for your lack of self-esteem... That's why it's called SELF-esteem.

   Putting a loud muffler on your car is like putting a rolled up sock in your pants; You're trying to make something seem bigger than it really is.

   just read where Monica Lewinsky turned 37 yesterday, how time flies, seems like only yesterday she was crawling around the Whitehouse on her knees........

   I think these news stations are missing the boat with these marathon storm tracking sessions. They need to sell advertising! "This Tornado warning is brought to you by Glad Trash Bags. Glad...when you have to clean debris the next morning, don't get mad..

   Some times I like to take my kids down to the car lot and show them the nice Aston Martin V12 Vantage I'd be driving if they had never been born.

   Nothing worse then the awkward stance when you're being sung happy birthday to.

   Remembers the dude that answered his door in sweats and a motley crue tshirt who forgot it was Halloween? He rumages through his cupboards and out of guilt gives you 10 pop tarts and a tube of pringles...........Halloween Jackpot.........

   lesson of the day ; never sneeze while you pee

   if you want it sugar coated, go to Dunkin Donuts.

   So my daughter who is 6 years old (about to be 7 in January) can text on her cell phone, google and youtube Justin Beiber videos on my laptop. When I was that age I thought I was cool because I knew how to dial 911 on the house phone!

   What are you doing? Come on over, we're going to grill some steaks and drink wine. Pick up some steaks and wine on your way.

   RIP Leslie Nielsen. Shirley, he will be missed.

   Here's the best advice of the day: If you call a psychic and they don't greet you by name, HANG UP!!!

   I hate liars, but I love a good bedtime story.

   If I had a dollar for everytime that I wished I had a dollar......

   For those of you whose New Years Resolution is to lose weight. There is one simple diet that works. It is, as follows: If it tastes good - spit it out.