Funny Status Messages

   popsicle sticks: $1. caramel: $3. onion: $4. watchng ur frends bite into a caramel onion thinkin its an apple: priceless.

   Hey Facebook...if its not broke, don't fix it!! The new photo viewer sucks!

   Dear public bathrooms, Toilet paper holders should turn loosely, nobody wants to wipe their a$s with a handful of confetti.

   I just watched Back to the Future Part II and not once did I see a person walking around staring at their smartphone.

   When a package says "Easy open" I end up using a knife, scissors, hammer, gun and a lightsaber.

   Just saw a bumper sticker that said Distracted drivers crash, hang up and drive. Then I crashed into him because I was reading the sticker.

   I have Big Boobs, I am amazing at Call of Duty, and I can make a really good sandwich, Unfortunately I am a guy...

   Ghetto word of the day: Bishop. My girlfriend fell down, so I pick the bishop.

   I have learned that pleasing everyone is too hard, but pissing everyone off is a piece of cake and I like it :-)

   Ah the warm feeling when you see your ex has gotten fat.

   If you and your best friend don't have at least one night in your past that you vow to never discuss, you're not best friends.

   What makes you laugh... might surely make someone else laugh. And with laughter... comes smiles... and with smiles... comes happiness! It can be that simple!

   Ghetto people are always naming their kids after things they can't afford... Mercedes, Diamond, Pearl, Car Insurance.

   Don't glare at me lady! You're the one who named your kid Marco then yelled his name in this store!

   Whenever I receive an email from "MAILER-DAEMON" I feel like I should have my inbox blessed by a priest.

   I'm convinced this formula is correct: big car stereo = small wiener

   If Jessica Simpson doesn't name one of her kids "Homer", then seriously what's the point?

   If you allow your children to run around a restaurant unattended, and I am in that restaurant, I will teach them curse words and racial slurs.

   Here’s your social security card. It’s paper & has to last you forever. Don’t laminate it. Good luck! -The Government

   Sorry, but your password must contain an uppercase letter, a number, a haiku, a gang sign, a hieroglyph, a feather off a hawk and the blood of a unicorn.