Funny Status Messages

   According to the United Nations' World Happiness Report, Norway is the happiest country in the world. They must not watch The Kardashians.

   My memory foam has amnesia

   I don’t know which meme to get my news from today

   Excited to be able to bet on the NFL again. I got money on the coronavirus shutting down the league in week3.

   Until zoom life I had no idea how many people dig in their ear.

   Every website for a restaurant should go straight to the menu.

   Me: "Hey Siri, why do I always mess things up with women?" Her: "My name is ALEXA..."

   To all 6 of you who like the jokes I post, I do it all for you!

   All I’m saying is what kind of father would encourage a wayward son to carry on?

   On my bucket list: To be chased through a kitchen at a Chinese restaurant like in the movies.

   Can you imagine how sexy I'd be if I ate right and took care of my body... I'm not going to, but can you imagine”

   I refer to avocados a "Shrekticles" because, you know....

   It's getting that Time Of Year where I start Liking All Of My Friends Posts who have a POOL

   I can't wait for the day when my kids are old enough that I can drink with them and not because of them.

   Do gun manuals haue a trouble shooting section?

   Bigfoot saw me yesterday but no one believes him!

   Just gave my next door neighbor a giant bag of candy to dump in my sons trick or treat bucket on Halloween so I can go home after one house.

   If there's enough room to spell 'bootylicious' on the back of your shorts, it probably isn't.

   I'm at my most walk of shame when I'm wearing sweatpants heading back to the buffet for the third time.

   One of the hazards of sheep farming must be trying to stay awake while taking inventory.