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Me: "Hey Siri, why do I always mess things up with women?" Her: "My name is ALEXA..." 
To all 6 of you who like the jokes I post, I do it all for you!
All I’m saying is what kind of father would encourage a wayward son to carry on?
it just me, or is anyone else finding it difficult to log on to dyslexics.moc?
Spent the last twenty minutes trying to get my sideburns even and now I'm sporting a Mohawk!
How long do you have to be ignorant before you start experiencing bliss ?
I got pulled over again. The cop said "I'm going to need to see your license and registration." I said "You guys seriously need to get a grip. One day you take my license and the next day you ask to see it."
If you are paying $3.00 for Smart Water, it isn't working.
Just discovered that spilling hot coffee in your lap wakes you up faster then drinking it.
I bet the hardest part of being a server is having to wait until people's mouths are full before asking them how the food is.
I like to reassure my wife that even though I don't have big muscles she is always safe with me cause I'm a really loud screamer.
Merry Christmas everyone and Happy Birthday Jesus without a Facebook reminder.
How do dragons blow out candles on their birthday cake?
There are more than 7 billion people on the planet. Can we finally stop calling it the miracle of birth?
I just want to point out that I am an Amazon Prime member so it's about time you guys started treating me with a little respect.
I just received a letter from my crush on Valentine's Day. Well, technically it's a restraining order, but still....
If life was a YouTube video, Monday would be that annoying ad that doesn't have the "You can skip in 5 seconds" option.
I married a nymphomaniac. Now after 5 years of marriage, the nympho is gone. And I'm left with the maniac.
If there's enough room to spell 'bootylicious' on the back of your shorts, it probably isn't.
I'm at my most walk of shame when I'm wearing sweatpants heading back to the buffet for the third time. 