Funny Status Messages

   When I was a kid we rode our bikes without helmets and nothing's wrong with us. And you know what else? When I was a kid we rode our bikes without helmets and nothing's wrong with us.

   Shoplifting is just undocumented shopping.

   I've decided that I'm an ass man. Don't get me wrong, horses are beautiful. They just aren't as cute as donkeys.

   If every day is a gift, today was socks.

   "Someday, your phone will cost more than your computer" - said no one ever.

   I wonder how long it took for the Playmates to realize that Hugh's Viagra had worn off and rigor mortis had set in...

   If I live to be 100, I will just make up a reason when people ask how. "I eat acorns every day."

   United States population: 323.1 million. Trinidad and Tobago population: 1.3 million. And they just eliminated us from the World Cup.

   On my bucket list: To be chased through a kitchen at a Chinese restaurant like in the movies.

   Can you imagine how sexy I'd be if I ate right and took care of my body... I'm not going to, but can you imagine”

   I refer to avocados a "Shrekticles" because, you know....

   It's getting that Time Of Year where I start Liking All Of My Friends Posts who have a POOL

   I can't wait for the day when my kids are old enough that I can drink with them and not because of them.

   Do gun manuals haue a trouble shooting section?

   Bigfoot saw me yesterday but no one believes him!

   Just gave my next door neighbor a giant bag of candy to dump in my sons trick or treat bucket on Halloween so I can go home after one house.

   I don’t know which meme to get my news from today

   Excited to be able to bet on the NFL again. I got money on the coronavirus shutting down the league in week3.

   Until zoom life I had no idea how many people dig in their ear.

   Every website for a restaurant should go straight to the menu.