Marshall the Great Funny Status Messages

   You may call it "alcohol abuse" but I've never heard the alcohol complaining.

   It took civilization thousands of years to get us off the farm, and Facebook just one year to send people back.

   I need some transition time from the weekend... can we drink during lunch breaks this week to get back to normal?

   My opinions are like farts, so hard to hold 'em in. When one slips, everyone's gonna know it and at least one person is gonna leave the room.

   My boss reminds me of a caged bird. He comes out flapping and squawking, sh*ts on everything and leaves.

   If you're only interested in me when I'm ignoring you, I'm about to become irresistible.

   It takes patience to listen.., it takes skill to pretend you're listening.

   Release frustration wisely: Have angry sex.

   FINALLY home from work! So, yea...if your phone number is on your profile...I will be drunk dialing you in about 30 minutes or so.

   I don't believe in miracles. I rely on them.

   Work is givin' us a piss test to celebrate our new contract. I just put glitter in mine... good luck tryin' to figure that one out muthafuckas!

   Life is like a pen!s: simple, relaxed and hanging freely. It's women who make it hard.

   The first thing I always do when a cop pulls me over is remind him he can't arrest me without a warrant so he knows he's dealing with a pro.

   Never hit a woman. No matter how bad the sandwich is.

   Had a dream last night. I knew it was a dream immediately because the therapist agreed with me, the ex apologized, and I was wearing pants.

   The worst part about waking up alone is not having someone to kick out of bed to make me coffee.

   When I don't have a good status... you end up wasting your time reading sh*t like this.

   This girl last night claimed that she'd rather perform oral sex on a diseased monkey than go out with me. Well, she's in luck, 'cause I've got a friend who works at the zoo, and he owes me one...

   Having female friends is a lot like having a pet tiger. Fun in theory, but you're always waiting for the day they turn on you.

   Saw a lady with back boobs at the beach. People with back boobs should wear backini's.