Funny Status Messages

   There are two types of people in this world, those with common sense and those who have to pee on the electric fence for themselves

   Just because you're an adult doesn't mean you can't use "eenie-meenie-miney-moe to help make important life decisions

   Put on your Sunday's best kids. We're going to Sears....

   TV's highest paid actor was a crackhead... why the fu*#k am I in school?

   Life has been so good to me that I just thought I would celebrate within myself and get ridiculously drunk tonight...

   Wouldn't it be great if Ctrl+Alt+Del worked on stupid people?

   I'm designing a solar-powered automatic flushing toilet for people like my ex who think the sun shines out of their ass.

   I've been retracing my steps and now I have all these outlines of feet on my floor and still no keys.

   When I do something stupid, my first thought is whether it would make a funny story or I should take it to my grave.

   Dear DroidX, I am not trying to spell "Duck"...thank you!

   Dear Osama bin Laden... WINNING! .. Yours truly, Charlie Sheen..

   some call it Self-medicating....we call it Happy Hour..

   Mother's Day, the celebration after those three little words..."I am late."

   My mother taught me about JUSTICE. “One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you”.

   I wish that I could record my dreams and watch them later.

   After looking for hours I'm pretty sure Waldo has the d@mn remote again.

   Peggy - "Tell me you love me, Al - "I love football, I love beer, let's not cheapen the meaning of the word."

   My advice for pretty much anything that's broken is "did you try and jiggle it?".

   I spanked myself twice before I left the house today so if you see me being naughty, chill out; I've dealt with it.

   Would you be freaked out if I told you that I was updating this from inside your closet?