Marshall the Great Funny Status Messages

   I swallowed a quarter once on a bet. And you thought fumbling through your pockets for loose change at the checkout was a pain in the ass...

   I'm never sure how much ball cleavage to show when I wear my Casual Friday Jean Shorts

   I'm so hungry that my stomach stopped growling. Now its just whimpering.

   Ever wondered why there is a stairway to heaven, and a highway to hell? There's apparently more traffic going to hell!!!

   If we are in a car and I love the song that just came on the radio and you turn it down to tell me something, please know that I will cut you.

   No no NO! The lace pillows go ON TOP of the pink ones, THEN the clown doll. Jesus Christ. It's like you've never made a bed before. - My next ex-girlfriend

   Go down a waterslide while it isn't wet and then you'll underdstand why foreplay is so important. - That's what she said.

   Why do men fart more than women? Because women can't shut up long enough to build up the required pressure.

   Whenever I'm leaving the work bathroom and I see the cleaning lady waiting, we exchange the knowing look that I just crapped in her office.

   I caught my girlfriend sliding down the hand rails of our stairs over and over... I asked her what she was doing, she said "I'm heating up your dinner!!!"

   Everyone has three lives: their public life, private life, and secret life.

   My phone auto-corrected "haha" to "hahahaha" -- um, yea it was funny, but let's keep our pants on.

   Hey guys, I really need your help. I'm trying to patch things up with my ex-girlfriend so I'm thinking of writing her a poem. What rhymes with, "I still hate you, you f*cking b!tch!" ??

   I'm afraid people can see me through my web cam even though its off.

   Hey websites, I will always "skip intro", so knock it off.

   A Rabbit's foot is considered good luck! A Camel's toe should be considered really good luck!!

   Huh, So you are telling me that these straps on the side of the mattress are for moving the mattress? And not for what I've been using them for all this time?

   Why even ask how my weekend was if you're just going to interrupt me halfway through to say, "Yeah, I saw your Facebook post."

   I find those "No shirt, no shoes, no service" signs very misleading because they never say anything about having to wear pants. Apparently, I was wrong... now gotta go to court on Thursday...

   When I hear somebody sigh, "Life is hard," I am always tempted to ask, "Compared to what?"