Funny Status Messages

   I still don't understand how finishing my food is going to save a starving child in Africa.

   Don't think too much. You'll create a problem that wasn't even there in the first place.

   It"s ok to pretend you're Irish on St. Patrick's Day. You pretend you're good on Christmas, don't you?

   There's no doubt that a man's mind is behind Facebook. Why? Because it will ask you "What's on your mind?" and then it will put a limit on how long your status can be.

   Dear fat girl in a tube top, You look like a can of biscuits popped open.

   I am proud to say that I have completed the 1st item on my bucket list... I got the bucket

   I want to open a donut shop called Hole Foods.

   --- Just bought the girlfriend a solar powered vibrator....Seeing as the sun shines out of her a** it should save me a fu**ing fortune on batteries.......

   An old battleax of a woman said to Winston Churchill, "If you were my husband I would put poison in your tea.". Churchill's response, "Ma'am if you were my wife I would drink it.".

   Life is like a game of cards. If you don't have a partner, you better have a good hand.

   Have you noticed that the "lol" symbol looks like a drowning guy? I bet hes not laughing out loud

   If you're gonna flip out on your Facebook, don't delete it all the next day. Some of us still want to share your meltdown with our friends.

   In an elevator I like to pull out a picture of myself and ask people "have you seen this person?"

   England are to change their shirts for the next game. The 3 lions will be replaced with 3 tampons to represent the worst period they've ever had!!

   Oops they got my order wrong again. I ordered an extra large weekend,hold the Monday. I'll wait in bed until they get it right!

   According to WebMD my symptoms mean I died 3 years ago.

   At a recent job interview: What would you consider to be your main weaknesses and strengths? Well my main weakness would be my issues with reality, telling what's real from what's not.And your strengths? I'm Batman.

   bored of poking, can we have a spank button??

   I never believed in horoscopes until I found a magazine that accurately predicted what I was going to be doing today. Thank you, TV Guide.

   If you are under house arrest but live in a mobile home can you go anywhere you want?