Funny Status Messages

   I've been wondering, If poison goes out of date and expires, does it become more or less deadly?

   If I could do a back flip you'd know it because that's how I would exit every room.

   Damn! Ghadafi, now Kim Jong, I think Sunglass Hut is in real trouble 

   Who picks up a seeing eye dogs poop?

   Alone floating on a raft in the pool. Asked the neighbor to call my home phone and ask someone to bring me a beer. Work smarter not harder.

   Kim Kardashian’s mobile game is making $700,000 EVERY DAY! That’s $29,166 per hour. That’s $486 every minute. That’s $8.10 every second. WHY DO WE KEEP MAKING IDIOTS RICH & FAMOUS? WHY OH WHY LORD?

   When I read about yet another overnight shooting in the ghetto I can't help but sigh at the senselessness and hope it wasn't my drug dealer.

   The Pope mobile: Because nothing says "I have faith in God!" like 4 inches of bulletproof glass.

   does anyone else always feel really bad playing that 'No Russian' mission on Modern Warfare 2, but at the same time loving it?

   Turns out people can still hear you even if you're wearing sunglasses.

   With the fuel prices as high as they are, I'm actually hoping for coal this year!

   If it was the other way around, I doubt one cat would take in 23 old ladies.

   Hey, just because I don't care doesn't mean I don't understand!

   Saw a fashion report saying that with low riding jeans in style, butt cracks are the new cleavage. What was wrong with the old cleavage???

   Chuck Schumer just released a new book, it's called; "How to Be a Giant Jack A$$"

   I don’t think my neighbor watches porn. She asked if I could fix her sink. I’ve been here for an hour and I’m still fixing her sink.

   If your phone gets wet, try putting it in a bag of dry rice. At night the rice will attract Asians who will fix your phone for you.

   Hey, NSA,,,, if you're going to read my posts, would it kill you to like them?

   Sometimes I wonder if these old men sitting on the benches in the mall waiting on their wives to finish shopping were old when they sat down!?

   I wish there was a ” like” button for texting.. so when I run out of things to say I can just ” like” their last txt and be done with it!!