Funny Status Messages

   Cleavage is something you can look down on and approve of at the same time.

   I love getting voicemails from my grandma. They usually consist of a pause, then "I don't think he's home."

   Why do bras and batteries come in the same sizes?

   Charlie Sheen appears to be the real life Glen Quagmire. Giggity!

   There is Breast Cancer, be Aware of it.......There! Doesn't that promote Breast Cancer Awareness a lot better than writing the name of a Fruit or the Colour of your Bra as your Facebook status?!?

   My friend is having sex with his GF and her twin, asked how he tells them apart, he said her brother has a mustache!

   It's a difficult day for me today. Today is the day I tell my dog that I am not his biological mother and that his real mother was a b!tch.

   Sometimes I think you should put a condom on your head, because if you're gonna act like a d.ck, you might as well dress like one too.

   I test girls by sending a text that says "I can't find my phone can you call it?" if she calls, its not gonna work out

   Today is Compliment Someone Randomly Day. And may I just say that this paper bag would go beautifully with that outfit you're wearing.

   I'm not rude...I just wasn't taught to politely pretend to be nice to people I can't stand.

   When I give a quick witted response to a question, I want my friends to clap and say "good answer" several times Family Feud style.

   No thanks, 5 Hour Energy, I'd rather have a 5 Hour Nap.

   Why do people put their relationship status as " its complicated "??  We all know that means ur single but still doing ur ex.. why advertise that???

   I hate it when people need constant re-assurance. You know what I mean?

   Did you know "bathtub" backwards is still "bathtub"? It's not, but for a second there you believed me

   Friendship must be built on a solid foundation of alcohol, nudity, inappropriateness, and shenanigans.

   What has 15 legs and 9 teeth? The checkout line at Walmart.

   “They dared me to” is ALWAYS a valid excuse.

   The key to a successful relationship: Tools > Internet Options > Clear history.