Marshall The Great Funny Status Messages

   Thanks to M&M ads, I constantly hear tiny screams whenever I eat them.

   Boss just calls me into work for a quick favor & the first thing he asks me is "Are you sober?" I said "Define sober." He hangs up. I win...

   B!tch, You're a booty call, stop putting your relationship status as "it's complicated."

   My girl walked in on me while I was on MySpace. I quickly switched it to a porn site just to save myself from an embarrassment.

   I started doing one of those 10,000 piece puzzles last night and it only took me an hour to flip the table over and start drinking hard liquor.

   I like using big words to sounds smart: utilizing gargantuan idioms to fabricate intelligence.

   Knowledge is power... and I see a lot of weakness.

   You make a valid point, but there is a major flaw in your argument. You assume that I'm listening to you.

   My dad gave me some advice a few years ago. He said, "Allan, if you ever get into a fight in the bar, just take a ball from the pool table and put it in your sock." Worst advice ever, I could hardly walk.

   I've reached that time of day between "coffee wearing off" and "murdering my co-worker."

   I stopped listening when you said "No."

   Sometimes I text my mom just because the thought of her staring puzzled at her phone trying to find her texts is difficult to resist.

   One man's "trauma" is another man's "most hilarious thing I've ever seen."

   Life would be so much more interesting if we all had cartoon bubbles over our heads.

   Dryer broke, microwave works, laundry is now dry.

   I think experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

   There's a very short list of things you can have in your hand while running without looking crazy.

   The bearded lady, the guy with all the body piercings, the dude with 14 toes, the geek biting the chickens head off... Yep, I'm in WalMart.

   You know when you are about to say something, but that little voice of reason prevents you from it? Explain this to me, people like you fascinate me.

   There is absolutely no substitute for a genuine lack of preparation.