Funny Status Messages

   Last time I was at the hospital lab they asked for a urine sample. I said " No more samples! Either you buy it or you don't! I can't just go giving away free samples every time I come here."

   I began to slip this morning while going to my car but turned it into a fantastic Moonwalk instead. I got skillz!

   I'm playing that game where the floor is made of lava, so I obviously can't get off the couch or I'll die.

   in the words of the chef on the muppet show - "Orshky Borshky Chicken!"

   lives with fear everyday. Sometimes she lets him go fishing....

   The people at MapQuest must think everyone is an idiot. Is it really necessary to start the directions with how to get out of your own driveway?

   I attend weddings purely to be fortunate enough to hear those two little words that always bring tears to my eyes - "open bar"

   Ghetto wet floor sign: Caution, b*tches be trippin

   If my body is ever found dead on a jogging trail, just know I was murdered elsewhere and dumped there.

   Wonder what Facebook employees do to waste time at work?

   Dear Boys wearing skinny Jeans I can't breathe! Sincerely, Your Balls

   I want you to be you, but when you being you affects me being me, that's when I have a problem with us being us.

   If Obama really wanted to impress me, he'd somehow combine Missouri & Oregon to make a "Show me your beaver" state.

   I write like this not..."LyK Dis"....because I am an adult and I am not retarded.

   I got a new shadow. I had to get rid of the other one... It wasn't doing what I was doing.

   I HaTe PeOpLe WhO WrItE tHiS wAy

   I hate when women fish for compliments by mentioning that they've gained a few pounds. I don't bite. Instead I offer, "yeah, maybe you're pregnant."

   Watching movies alone sucks. There's no one to ask, "What did he just say? Who is that guy?"

   Sometimes the wrong choices bring us to the right places

   Oops. My "check liver" light just came on.