Funny Status Messages

   I hate it when my boss calls my name and I automatically think "What the hell did I do now?"

   Who lives in a pineapple under the sea? IDK, I have Direct TV!

   80% of my conversations with others occur inside my head.

   Every time I see Nancy Grace on TV I imagine that somewhere there is a real journalist locked in a broom closet weeping.

   Middle age is when you're cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead of by the police

   After 10 Dos Equis beers, I think I'm the most interesting man in the world.

   When I'm drunk, my phone should say "are you sure you want to send this text?"

   People who remove the the vowels to text..why don't you do us all a favor and remove the consonants too?

   Don't keep telling yourself, "I deserve better" and continue to date worse.

   R.I.P. "Macho Man" Randy Savage. I'll do a flying elbow drop from the foot of the bed to salute you!

   The only place that the rapture happened was on myspace.

   the next time I screw up bad I'll say "well at least I didnt predict the end of mankind and nothing happened"

   watched waterworld last nite, why was kevin costner and everyone so dirty when the entire world was covered in water?

   Maybe the people that say money can't buy happiness are just buying the wrong stuff?

   wishes that my brain would autocorrect words before they leave my mouth.

   High Heels are a man's invention to make it harder for a woman to run away.

   I went to Web MD to look up my symptoms and found out I died in my sleep. Thanks a lot Web MD!

   Do they sell Alphabet Soup in China?

   If reincarnation were real, I'd like to come back as a stomach virus, so I could say that I truly give a sh!t….

   I guess CVS is going green. Today's receipt for cough drops was only 27 inches long.