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The condoms need to be located in the fu*king baby aisle Next to the 30 dollar diapers and 20 dollar formula cans 
Well another year has passed, I think I have just about given up on the Mayans...
It's not all bad for Tom Brady. At least he won't have to listen to Bruno Mars.
I'd make more Broncos jokes, but I don't want to beat a dead horse...
If you don't drink, smoke or do drugs you may live long enough to be a real burden to loved ones. Please pass the wine.
If I lived everyday like it was my last, the body count would be staggering.
For Sale: (year you were born here) (your name here). Has a lot of mileage, but still rides like a dream.
- in the year 2010 the AUS government will be shipping all retards away. My eyes watered when I thought of losing you. Be strong. Take your crayons.
facing facts; his only hope is the lottery.
Since it's so hard to find new blades, I had to look at getting a new razor. But after looking at the names I'm a little confused: the Mach 4, the Hydro, the Fusion, the Nitro... Am I buying a shaver or a f*cking jetpack?
Would it be good news or bad news if your Girlfriend told you that she was already married???
People who really love their jobs are annoying. Keep that sh*t to yourself.
I went snorkeling so I could brag to my friends, but I'm having problems photoshopping the bathtub out of the pictures.
never got the expression "complete idiot". Is there an Incomplete version.?
They named a hurricane after a guy, and where did it go? Straight for the virgin islands!
Dear bacon company - is it too challenging to make a package I don't need to destroy to get open and that doesn't leave my hands covered in grease?
Teacher: Imagine you're in a world with dinosaurs and a dinosaur was going to eat you. What would you do? Boy: Easy, stop imagining.
My grandpa used to say "The best cure for a broken heart is a piping hot bowl of mom's homemade chicken soup. And a hooker."
I don't know if my liver or heart hurts more during a break up...
has a feeling that the so-called "Highway To Hell" looks just like a Wal-Mart parking lot
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