Funny Status Messages

   For Sale: (year you were born here) (your name here). Has a lot of mileage, but still rides like a dream.

   - in the year 2010 the AUS government will be shipping all retards away. My eyes watered when I thought of losing you. Be strong. Take your crayons.

   facing facts; his only hope is the lottery.

   Since it's so hard to find new blades, I had to look at getting a new razor. But after looking at the names I'm a little confused: the Mach 4, the Hydro, the Fusion, the Nitro... Am I buying a shaver or a f*cking jetpack?

   Would it be good news or bad news if your Girlfriend told you that she was already married???

   People who really love their jobs are annoying. Keep that sh*t to yourself.

   I went snorkeling so I could brag to my friends, but I'm having problems photoshopping the bathtub out of the pictures.

   never got the expression "complete idiot". Is there an Incomplete version.?

   They named a hurricane after a guy, and where did it go? Straight for the virgin islands!

   Dear bacon company - is it too challenging to make a package I don't need to destroy to get open and that doesn't leave my hands covered in grease?

   Teacher: Imagine you're in a world with dinosaurs and a dinosaur was going to eat you. What would you do? Boy: Easy, stop imagining.

   My grandpa used to say "The best cure for a broken heart is a piping hot bowl of mom's homemade chicken soup. And a hooker."

   I don't know if my liver or heart hurts more during a break up...

   has a feeling that the so-called "Highway To Hell" looks just like a Wal-Mart parking lot

   Its annoying when I get a notification then see its about a post that I commented on like a week ago. Its lost its luster by then. There should be a statute of limitations on such things.

   If cigarettes are required to have graphic warning labels, beer manufacturers should have to warn drinkers of possible sex with ugly people...

   Forget scholarships and honor societies - the highest academic complement is getting an awesome grade on a paper you half-assed at four in the morning the day it was due.

   You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you know that you just aren't going to do anything productive for the rest of the day

   -- The Icelandic volcano that has fu***d the majority of Europe's air travel is situated in Eyjafjallajokull, which translates into English as 'fell asleep on my keyboard'.....

   I keep hitting the "escape" key...but I'm still here