SuthernFukr Funny Status Messages

   Right about now, Billy Crystal is waking up totally nude in a huge champagne glass somewhere.

   Los Angeles hasn't changed me. I still put on leather pants one leg at a time.

   In 2013, my first status will be “is anyone alive?”

   I have finally just accepted all my invitations to connect on LinkedIn. Now I wait. With my pants off.

   What are you doing here? Was there a jailbreak at the zoo?

   Beer commercials never show anyone drunk. Not after a divorce, being fired or losing a child in a tragic loose trophy shelf accident.

   I drank so much this weekend, that if Dracula bit my neck, he'd get a Bloody Mary.

   GEORGE SOROS HAS JETPACKS AND HE'S NOT SHARING!!!!

   I recommend you chickens learn to talk. Nobody ever said, "Let's go get a bucket of parrot."

   I'm curious how many of you are Austrian boys. Show of Hans?

   "Nonexistent" is my new favorite word. It describes so many things about my life!

   I'm in Wisconsin for two more days which should be just long enough to lose enthusiasm for existence.

   The second Pop-Tart exists solely to hammer home the self-loathing initiated by the first Pop-Tart.

   I gave myself an obscene amount of vodka. I'm so thoughtful.

   Because of Harry Potter a whole generation of boys learned it was good to read. And to master control of one's wand.

   If I was a farmer I'd name one of my cows Jagger and run around singing "I've Got the Moos Like Jagger" and I'd be popular among farmers.

   Freud said "Love & work are the cornerstones of our humaness." I say it's love and that show "Pawn Stars".

   It's like, okay, we get it, I'm a terrible driver and I almost murdered you with my car. Can I go get ice cream now?

   All is not lost. It's just a little bit hard to keep track of.

   Thanks, Phillips Colon Health Lady, for proving there's no need for a healthy diet if we can just eat crap & take a pill.