Funny Status Messages

   I'm not the man you'd hoped for or even the man you wanted me to be. Perhaps you should have just once seen in me, the man I am.

   My short-term memory is my ONLY problem..... Well, that, and my short-term memory

   Not to brag, but when it comes to "going nowhere fast," I'm breaking every speed record known to man.

   Just ate a bunch of garbage. Disgusting. That's the last time I pay attention to a raccoon's Yelp review.

   I just read an article where a study found that men who reported incomes higher than $250,000 on a dating site, received 156% more emails than the under $50,000 ones. On a related note, my income is now $250,000. Your move ladies.....

   Wanted: A fat, drunk Doctor who smokes and feels my lifestyle is acceptable

   All a woman wants is a strong, confident, capable man who will wear whichever shirt she tells him to.

   Things you need to know about me: 1- I'm lazy 2- hmm, one is enough

   That moment you realise you're a result of sex.

   The downside of being tolerant is all the stuff you have to tolerate.

   Don't ever change for anyone. Nothing is worth compromising your beliefs. Unless it's for money.

   That 3D ultrasound photo you posted is scaring the sh*t out of everyone.

   If I had boobs, I'd never be able to look up again.

   I know some folks who could use a 12 step program. Where 11 of those steps should be to the edge of a cliff.

   So when is the next end of the world???

   Whenever I start to hate my job I think about the camera crew that has to follow the Kardashian's 24/7.

   I hate it when you have to be nice to someone you really want to throw a brick at.

   If opportunity doesn't knock, build a door.

   Being unsure has never stopped me from making a decision.

   Patriot, AR-15, Liberty, Taliban, Gun Rights, Tea Party, Terrorist, Religious Freedom. Oh, never mind me. I'm just stirring the pot with the NSA for when they monitor my Facebook account.