Funny Status Messages

   The person who coined the phrase "Laughter is the best medicine" probably never received Demerol during his hospitalization.

   Relationships are like a card game. You start off with 2 Hearts and a Diamond, then end up wishing you had a Club and Spade.

   The least they can do while screwing me at the gas pump is to pull my hair!!!

   I am so clever sometimes I don't even understand what I'm saying.

   you're not drinking alone if there's a mirror in the room right?!

   If you go to google and type " why does my " in the search box. Read some of the suggestions on there and you'll see why I hate people.

   I only do things the voices in my wife's head tell her to tell me to do.

   The two words that get me in the most trouble are "Why Not?"

   If you spend the rest of your life trying to make up for past mistakes, there won't be any time to make any new ones.

   If you ever hit rock bottom, bring some beer. I'm almost out.

   I like the night sky more than anything else in this world, its the only place where chaos is so peaceful.

   I wonder what would happen if a witness is asked to tell the whole truth and nothing but the truth and they say no?

   Feb 15, time to go back to not loving each other.

   Wow, just drove by the gas station and the guy changing prices has a chair camping out...no good can come of this!!

   I just awesomed all over the place.

   That awkward moment when someone you don't like sends you a friend request, then you decline. Then they send another one.

   ever stand there, making a pot of coffee, look at the coffee grounds and consider doing a line or two of em just to jump start the day? Yep, it's that kinda day !!!

   Frozen water balloon fights... not a good idea.

   When you love someone you check and recheck and then check again to make sure it's them you're sending a text to.

   FYI: If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.